Let's see...how can I put this?

There are only a few days left in the semester here. Where did all the time go? A silly question, actually, but since when have I been adverse to one of those? Precisely my point.

I'm in a slump. Or something. I can tell you where I'm going tomorrow, but I don't understand myself. But I'm not lost, I just don't know where I should be. There's a difference. I'm not trying to speak in metaphors, or be intentionally misleading. I'm not trying to sound as though I have an air of literary prowess. Those are my true feelings. I am not lost, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be either - if anywhere at all.

Letting people down is probably one of my greatest concerns. I never feel more more inadequete than after I've let someone down.

I don't know if I made a mistake, but we haven't spoken in a while. In reality, we never really had all that much contact before I spoke my mind, but now it's actually nothing. Who am I kidding? The mere notion is absolutely ridiculous. I need to wake up. But I won't. I'm stubborn and devoted and resistant. Luckily, there happens to be a synonym for that type of person; an imbecile.

Somebody needs to hit me really hard. Preferably with a tree.

I think my blog has become derelict.

I'll work on that.

Archivalry

Here I am, once again, finally back at school after my longer than expected hiatus...lying on my bed, looking out the window. Definitely a gloomy atmosphere in Brooklyn today, considering the sky is steel gray.

I left Philadelphia even though we hadn't completely finished moving. There was still stuff to be thrown in boxes around each room, and a couple larger things still to be taken somewhere to store. Thankfully, I think all of the cats were accounted for by the time I left. This was especially relieving, because only hours earlier, we couldn't find four of them, and there was literally no trace of them anywhere. Turns out the reason for that was that they hadn't actually gone anywhere - except underneath the floor. Pretty crazy.

I got the chance to work for Andy over last weekend, which was awesome. I didn't realize how much I missed those guys; Chris, Rob, and even Kenny. It's one group of guys that I always feel totally comfortable with. I never feel out of place or as if I'm being judged. Never. We're all just good friends, and we work really well together.

Saturday, I worked from 5 AM till 9 PM. The jobs consisted of two weddings, one at the Ritz and the other at the Four Seasons. Both pretty big jobs, and both calling for change-overs after their respective ceremonies. Now, to see the five of us in the Ritz and the Four Seasons would probably startle a good number of guests (should they see us, but they don't), because we really are the motliest looking crew. But the real kicker is seeing the motliest looking crew fluffing drape. Fuckin' right - we don't mess around. We are Grade A fluffers, and we take pride in our work. We also crack jokes and make other funnies across the room from time to time. The bottom line is that this is the best part time job I could ask for, at least for right now. I love doing it, I love working with those guys, and it hasn't gotten old yet. It's also pretty damn physical...my body still hurts. But that could also be from the move.

Agh. The move...

It's been incredibly hard on everyone involved, and even to some who aren't but are close to us. I feel horrible for leaving when I did, but I had to be back at school.

That might be all for right now. Of course, there's always everything that floats around in the back of my head. My friends, my loves, you know...

There's always so much more to say.

"I think you've gone over to the bad place."

/dark sarcasm

I'm in one of those moods (?) where every five minutes seem to take two hours.

And every two hours feel a week long.

Web sites don't update fast enough. The news isn't new anymore. You don't know if AIM is playing tricks on you or not, but you haven't gotten IM'ed in years. Years.

Now, where did I put that girlfriend I don't have...

/end dark sarcasm

Just to clarify, this is all the result of no sleep last night and a growing headache. I'm really much happier in person. I think.

Sure I'm sure.

Sonofabitch. Why am I still awake? Ugh.

I've had the flu for the past week. Another 'Ugh'. I'm pretty sure I'm on the downhill side of it now, but seriously, being sick is not fun. Playing hookey is fun. Being sick is just not.

Back to the question of why the hell I'm still awake...I still don't know, but now there's actual daylight coming through my window. This is bad. It certainly doesn't bode well for falling asleep later. I hate actually being sick.

As for the rest of me...well, it's become pretty clear that not only do I miss singing and acting, but I actually think about Hilltones and/or Chambers all the time. You wouldn't believe the thoughts in my head, but for some reason, I just don't think of them as being so crazy. For instance, I think about the recordings we made last year, and how I would have loved to do them properly. Sometimes I think we could still do it; sorta call everyone up and set a date or something. It's ridiculous, I think, but the idea keeps coming to mind. I would have loved to sing one more year with that group. If I had the chance, I'd sing with them right now. I listen to Off The Beat, or the GFS CD's and I have all these grand visions of singing again...

Once more it dawns on me (no pun intended, as the light in my room increases) how much I write about the past. I hate to admit it, but right now I feel like I've already seen my 'glory days' or prime or whatever you want to call it. I'm in a slump. The truth is that I'm not as happy right now as I was during high school. Pratt is a wonderful school, but It is strictly an art school and personally, I'm just not sure I feel like I belong there. On the other hand, I don't know where I belong. And while I haven't made a lot of really good friends up there, the few I have made mean a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn't know exactly what I wanted.

I would also be saying a lot more than I'd want to if I talked about that.

I'm sorry. I just...I just don't trust myself that often when I'm in these situations.

One thing I'm sure of - I'd audition for a group with Graceland.

Not much sense.

I have, on average, fifty buddies online at any given time.

I talk to maybe ten of them.

AIM can be a very weird thing.

Which was nice.

My list of awesomest concerts ever just got one show longer. Which is good, because on the whole, my spring break has been pretty uneventful. But this concert was awesome. I'm referring to the Off The Beat spring show, for those who weren't aware, and they just really fucking rock. And of course, the incredibly talented Deb was up there doing her thing and making it look so easy. This girl is the same girl that I sat in the audience with at our first Off The Beat show. This is the same girl who I got to sing with in Chamber Singers during my sophomore year. I acted on stage with this girl, and I hung out with her (still do, when I can) at the Pringles. So to have been able to watch her grow from a member of our high school a cappella group to a full fledged college a cappella goddess makes me feel beyond honored. It makes me smile big and wide and goofy every time I see her step out from that red curtain at the Anthropology Museum. When she takes the mic for her solo, I am already on my feet applauding. And I will always be waiting for her after the show. To be able to be there each time she does another show is so special. This one's for you, Deb. You're an inspiration. You...well, you just make me feel so lucky to be your friend. I will always be at your show. =)

So spring break was totally uneventful, in a certain sense. I won't lie, I had big expectations. I had people I wanted to see so badly, but it didn't happen. It sucked. Big time. I did get to spend the day at Springside their last day before break, and so I was able to see most of my friends who are still there. And that was good, it really was. I was very happy to see them, and we had a great time.

Part of what threw me off is that we are supposed to be out of Wood Norton by the 30th of March. So I came home to boxes and whole lot of packing. The real kicker though is that we don't have a house to move into yet. The house we thought we were going to is still being lived in by it's occupants, and since we never signed a contract with them, we technically have nothing. So my mom is moving in with my great aunt until we find a place, and everything that was at my mom's apartment is going into storage. It's so surreal for me...I haven't been here. I don't know how to help or deal with it. And when I come back from school the next time, I won't go home to that apartment ever again. That was my home after my parents divorced...that's where I've spent the most years of my life. And I'm not even going to be here when we move out? I feel so disconnected...

I guess it didn't really help that all my friends had break at different times than I did. I didn't get to see anyone. I think I put myself in the position where I'm taken for granted. People expect me to be here...and I always am. But there's another piece of the puzzle too - believe it or not, I have my own desires. I want to see certain people when I'm home. I think people assume that I'll just be there the next time they need me, and so it doesn't really matter when I want to see them or not. I'll see them on their own time, on their own terms...

The problem is that I will always be there. I'll be taken for granted. And I won't say a damn thing.

Anyway, I miss everyone. I hope I get to see you soon.

But it was a fucking awesome concert. Deb, I love you. You rock my world.

I do not feel well. In the stomach area. Nauseous, if you will. Ick.

It messes everything up when people have spring break at completely different times. That's just no good. Mine's next week, but I don't think anyone else's is.

Emilie would kill me if she knew I wasn't in class right now. But in my defense, all of my teachers have said to stay in our rooms if we don't feel well.

Okay, I'm done for now.

Survey of Sleeping in Art History

I think I might pass out from this class. I can't understand my professor. At all. Her accent is thickly Asian, and having a wireless internet connection is the only thing that's keeping me from jumping out the window. The lighting couldn't be more appropriate for a nap, and many are taking advantage of it. A couple others are watching [i]Dirty Dancing[/i], while another girl is editing something for 4D in Final Cut Express.

So I've decided to take advantage of the situation. I'm updating.

Yesterday I got the chance to go to the Natural History Museum with my drawing class, and it was awesome. The entire class spent the first hour we were there just walking around and trying to take it all in. We were also looking for the best exhibits to draw, and many were attracted to the full sized, stuffed African elephants and mammoth bones. I was intrigued by the mammoths myself, but there were already five or six people drawing them, and I didn't want to commit to that before looking through the rest of the museum. So I set off. I was determined to find something different to draw, but alas, I didn't find anything else as interesting as the mammoths. What I did find was a full size whale sculpture hanging from the ceiling of the Oceanic exhibit, a simulation of the 'Big Bang' laser light show, a café, two incredibly random wings of the museum that I ended up lost in, and after another hour or so, an excellent idea of what the museum had to offer and where.

No matter, though, because I found myself back at the mammoths. And it went pretty well, I think. A funny side story is that a few girls came up to me, only the didn't speak English very well. Spanish was their native tongue, and after a few translation attempts, it turned out they wanted to take a picture of my drawing. Take about an ego boost. I couldn't have asked for a better compliment. Some kid nabbed one of my eraser's though, the stupid git.

Other than that life is not that exciting. More so than this art history class, but not by all that much. "I need to dance! I want to ha cha cha!" That's a Marx Brother's quote.

Blaaaah.