Archivalry

It's never been easy for me to see my friends in a situation where something is troubling them. Scratch that...I hate to see my friends troubled. Or in pain, physical or emotional. I Detest it. I can't stand it. Probably one of my shortcomings is that I have always been willing to put myself on the line just to make sure that should a friend need anything, I am there without hesitation.

Sometimes it doesn't matter about right and wrong. Sometimes you just want to make sure that someone feels better about things. Sometimes it has to be about making them smile. And it doesn't matter how many times they say they are okay. You have to keep offering because all it takes is for them to say they want to talk about things once to be worth it.

And unless there's a very specific reason, I don't like to draw lines.

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So where the hell am I? Still lingering in that same state of mind as I was six months ago? Have I moved on? Have I moved away from some and still kept others tucked safely in the deeper bowels of my mind? Do I want to find someone? To love someone, no matter how long it is for?

Well...yes.

It's summer, there are no problems with school or requirements, no lines to memorize and no juries to prepare for.

There are, however, girls. What else is there to do but sit back and see where things go? I do want something, but I am completely open about it. When you start the summer out single there's no other way to be.

CELL PHONE!

YESSIR! I got me another one and it's all spiffy and fun. Same number as before (215-439-7039) and so I'm back (with swooshing sound effect). To be able to text people again is so amazingly cool. I haven't yet, but when you see my phone you will instantly know why it's going to become one of my mainstays in everyday life.

And why haven't I texted you, you ask? Because I don't know anyone's phone number. That's right, they were all run over and deleted along with my last cell, so if anyone gets the chance, I need your numbers! On the double! Pronto! I love you all =)

In other news, the siblings went with my Grandmother to California for a week to see and stay my aunt-celebrity yoga god and her husband. This translates into me being an only child for an entire week, something that hasn't happened since before my brother was born.

I got a phone!! :-D Yay.

Aha!

I'm delivering an ultimatum to myself. You're getting a cell phone before the week is out or else...



In other news, I'm clearly sexually frustrated.

A General Observation

I don't think I make any sense at all.

I'm such a dope.

A New Beginning

The anonymous poster is right. Sexual frustration and flirting with disaster, among other things, are key elements of my life recently. I was also told not long ago that I need to "get some". I'll be perfectly honest, I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. It's not really important when the last time I "got some" was, nor who it happened with. I wouldn't say I was sexually frustrated, rather that I miss that aspect of connecting with women. Hahaha...poetic, right? Just a nice way of saying I wouldn't object to some female attention? Perhaps...

Flirting with disaster is of course, a much more complicated issue. I remember posting about flirting as being one of the most wonderful things in the world...and this aspect of it completely slipped my mind. Because I don't immedietly recall the negatives of flirting. They come to mind only in certain scenarios.

But enough with it all. What I really want to say in this post is that sometimes a grudge must be overlooked. Sometimes, and it can be very rare that it actually happens, but sometimes there are people that are too wonderful and too important to be kept locked out for life. One lesson I've been taught through and through again is forgiveness, because if you cannot forgive, you will never be able move forward in life.

I believe that my friends have been holding a grudge in my defense for the past year or so, and I now ask for them to please lay it down. If it was out of love for me, please be assured that I know how much my friends all care about me. I love them too. But now I need them to forgive. I know...I know that sometimes I have been absolutely miserable and that you've had to deal with me through this entire escapade. But move on with me. Do not ask me to keep someone out of my life, because it just will not happen...it can't. I never want to lock anyone out nor hold a grudge against anyone because what good can come of it? I want her in my life. She is wonderful and good and everything that my friends and I once celebrated every time we saw her. And we all loved her. And I still love her.

So maybe this post is holds much more purpose than i originally intended for it. Maybe it's to show that I still care for someone. I know it's to prove that I need her in my life, no matter what the purpose it is that she serves - I need her. And if I could do one thing for her, it would be to make sure that she does not have to worry about what my friends think of her. Please, my friends, please hear me now.

I am on my knees, begging your forgiveness.

Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

Sex is quite possibly one of the most fascinating genres, fields, things, whatever. Everyone wants to hear about it, gossip about it, there's no doubt there. But what about definition? There's so much diversity among us about what can actually be defined as sex. There's sexual attraction, sexual appetite, sexual appeal, sexual intercouse, oral sex...the list just goes on and on. A relatively involved kiss on television is considered blatent sex that must be shielded from children, and a one night stand in the real world offers nothing more than tomorrows drama. Trying to define sex is like trying to define the word 'thing'; You're not going to get far without a difference of opinion.

And flirting...isn't it just fantastic? The wink, the soft graze of the hand, the casual remark that you know means so much more, the eye contact, the lash flutter...each one makes your heart skip that next beat just an instant quicker, and it's one of the greatest feelings I've ever experienced.

For those ladies who are a bit more premiscous, the skirt or dress slip, the running of the tongue along the lips, the coy smile, the touch of the finger to the mouth, the hair flip...

For the guys, the caress of the hand, the confident gaze, keeping your eyes locked on every part of her at once...

The list goes on and on.

And then there's that girl...and you can't seem get her out of your head.

More importantly though, you don't want to.

Finally!

Okay - sue me. I know I haven't updated in a very very long time, but it's just one of those things...sometimes I want to post three or four times a day, other times I'll go for weeks without a single word. Regardless, here is what may or may not be a long overdue entry in my online journal.

We're recording Chamber Singers (Hilltones/Laurelei/Chamber Singers) tomorrow, and I want it to work and work well so badly I can't put it into words. I want members of the group to remember us, to look back and be reminded of how wonderful we were, because we do sound good enough to cut an actual record. We deserve a studio and professional mixing, and we aren't going to get it because Roland is who he is.

Over the past weeks I've been in a somewhat solitary state, and in complete contrast to how I actually wanted to be spending my time. I've wanted to be with my friends, going out, having fun, trying to cram in as much time with them as possible before we graduate. I've been blaming my lack of contact with them on the fact that my cell phone was run over and so I have no numbers to contact them with, but this is such a lame excuse and it's really just sad. I miss my friends. And sure I miss the guys, but I really really miss the girls. And sure, that's just the guy in me speaking out in sexual frustration, but damn do I miss them. And what's the actual reason behind this wall of excuses? I'm shy, and I'm scared of rejection, even though what rejection is there to be afraid of? But my mind creates some variation of it and I'm left hiding.

I've got to raise my confidence level around women. That's really the bottom line. How much do I want to call some of the girls that I know and ask to pick them up and take them out? Just spending time with them is wonderful.

And I don't know if this is actually a topic anyone who's reading this wants to know about but I am thinking about one girl more than the others, and it's just that invisible wall I still manage to hide myself behind that's holding me back. In the words of someone, I need to suck it up. I manage to convince myself that there's more time, but damnit!!! I just gotta do it, ya know??

Graduation parties this weekend - and there will be plenty of Hilltones at every one. We're going to sing our asses off, plain and simple. I love this group.

And so I'll leave you with that. I'll update again soon...the lack of writing isn't good for me.