Melodramatic Mood Swingers

It is sometimes very difficult to accept the difference between the way that we think things should work out as opposed to the way that they do in real life.

I remember in high school when my friends would be having their respective issues with girls or boys, and telling them not to worry, because they were fabulous, they were wonderful, and that I thought it was quite baffling that they were having any troubles at all. I really did think that anyone who had a chance with one of the girls I was close with in high school would be absolutely crazy not to take it. They'd have to be insane. It was inconceivable.

And I believed what I was saying.

However, there's a flip side to all of this, and that's how the person who's telling all of this feels. This is sort of a response to all the comments on my last post, and they were wonderful and amazing and of course they will make me feel better...

But what it came down to in high school and what it still comes down to today, is that the person you are trying to make feel better about themself is only looking to hear those things from one person. When all you want is for someone to want you back and they don't, it's very hard to hear all the wonderful things your friends have to say about you. All you can focus on is how that one person doesn't want you.

And it's maddening.

You could have the person of your dreams, someone willing to give you the world, sitting right next to you, and it wouldn't matter in the slightest...your attention is elsewhere.

Granted, this is not a universal truth. But it does seem to happen a lot. Kinda like in "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton." 'Cause Topher Grace is the man.

Wherefore art thou? Or perhaps I know exactly where you are.

Crikey.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Alright ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Over the past few days there's been some significant realizations I've had about girls, and until now I've been somewhat dodgy when it comes to answering people's questions about what's exactly going through my mind. Not anymore. I'm laying it all down. Strap yourselves in, this could get ugly.

First, I just need to lay something on the line. I realized something during my midterms here that I hadn't thought about in a really long time, but that really makes a lot of sense. I was thinking about the amount of work here, and how some people are so motivated to really get through all of it, but also find joy in accomplishing each assignment, whereas I just sorta sit there and stare at them. For some reason I flashed back to junior year. I mean, for some reason, CHA decided to award me as the most improved junior out of my entire class. Something was different that year...and I couldn't put my finger on it right away. The fact of the matter is that I was happier than I had ever been. I was in a relationship that changed my life. No, it wasn't perfect, but I had never learned so much and been so happy. She was there, she was in my life and having her was just magical. Being in love is indescribable, and just thinking about her made life better. Life became more that much more important because she was there, and so did doing my work. We could work together, or I would work so that I could see her. It will sound cliché and stupid, but I wanted to do better for her. It sounds life altering, but it really was. It was the most important thing in my life, being with her. It's how it was, plain and simple.

I don't have that in my life right now, being single. But it's true that when you're with someone else, it's not just about you anymore. It's about both of you, and I was really motivated to do better for myself when I was with someone else. Needless to say, I want to feel that again.

Now let's talk details. I know that's what's gotten you through this far, so I'm caving. As of now, there are three girls here that I consistently find myself wishing I was spending more time with. I'm being brave and using names...sometimes, I wish I knew exactly who reads this...

The first is Leila, from my english and drawing classes. Since I've gotten here she is without a doubt the most beautiful girl I've seen. I met her when I was registering for classes, and could only pray to god that she wasn't a fashion major. We basically introduced ourselves, and then went our separate ways. I damn near had a heart attack when I walked into both my english and drawing classes. There she was...and since then, we've become pretty close. I know some of you are saying, "What are you waiting for, idiot!?!". Well, she has a boyfriend of over a year and he's not that far away. Also, she lives off campus, so it's not exactly convenient to just nip out and see her whenever I want. However, she has become a great friend and has resorted to pointing out every girl she sees and telling me to go tap that. She's really fun and it just makes it harder. Bah.

Second we have Ariel (Yes, like the Little Mermaid). She's from California. I met her through orientation, as we were in the same group. She's really great and basically there's nothing holding me back (I'll get to that later...) except for a couple key points. One is that I hardly EVER see her. Different dorm, not a single class together, and she's always very busy with something or another. I usually catch her in the hall and we'll get a brief second to say hi, but basically that's it. My roommate, the lucky fuck, has his three main classes with her. I offered to trade schedules with him, but he wouldn't have it. Bastard.

Lastly, there's this girl Michala. I met her when a bunch of us were waiting outside to get into a restaurant and she walked up with her roommate asking how long the wait was. She ranks just under Leila as the most attractive girl I've seen since I've been here. She's an interior design major, and very nice, but also incredibly sexy, regardless of whether she means to be or not. The problem? I see her less than I see Ariel, and she lives in the same building as me. Also, when it comes to her, I get incredibly shy. Dunno, she's just so...I don't know.

Yeah...I'm shy, another problem.

Apparently, the freshmen class at Pratt is divided so that something like 65-70% is female. To make matters more interesting, there are 39 males in my dorm. My dorm has 5 floors with at least 30 students on each, so right off the bat it's logical to think that things are looking up. Unfortunately, logic fails. As for other girls...the first thing I had to come to grips with is that no matter how hard the work load is, this is an ART SCHOOL. I know, shocking, right? How does this translate into anything remotely involving relationships? I'll tell you. Naturally, the first thing that grabs someone's attention is how attractive they find another person. Having attended Pratt for a couple months now, I have discovered that many more than half the girls I here are very, very creative in the way that they choose to...ahem...display themselves. And not in very flattering ways. At all. Ever.

Almost every single person here is pierced in some way, many multiple times in multiple places. Lips, eyes, noses, tongues, belly buttons, you name it they've done it. And then there's the hair...oh dear god the hair. Purple, orange, green, red, pink, gradient style, it's all here. Mohawks, spikes, emo, everything, it's all here. And the clothing can't be described. You have to see it to believe it.

There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, it's fucking awesome to be able to look around campus and just marvel at the individuality of everyone. It's shocking, but it's so cool. The place just oozes diversity and culture. In fact, there's only one problem I've found so far - I find many of those things to be unattractive. Turn-offs, if you will. Another issue that you find yourself just learning to deal with is that EVERYONE smokes. It should practically be on the application. I haven't really told anyone here yet, but smoking is a huge turn-off. It's just gross...

I guess that sums up the situation right now...well...almost. And yet...certain things you have to keep to yourself. It's funny, actually, that I can talk to people at Pratt about all the things I can't say on this blog, because they don't really know what it means. I guess I don't even know what it means. I'm not trying to be difficult, or draw attention to the information that won't be posted, but it's important to acknowledge that this isn't it, that I do think about others. It's one of those things that feels so right, and I love her so much, and...well, what can I say? I know, I'm frustrating, I'm sorry.

And I love you all, and continue to think about you every day. I can't wait to see any of you, I'm counting down the days. =)

Rest in Peace

Rosa Parks, 1913 - 2005.

Thank you.

No Comment

Someday I will tell you how much I love you.

New York Pigeons

I really am going to try and update more. Some part of me is always very reluctant to actually sit down and start typing, but as with most things I do, once I get started it's go time.

It's absolutely pouring here. Again. Seriously, do we need all this rain? I'm skeptical. Especially at this school, where no matter what the weather is, the sprinklers turn on. There could be a hurricane right on top of Pratt, and the sprinklers would still turn on. The flowers could be dead, the grass completely torn away by torrential downpours, and the sprinklers would never cease to do their duty. We could come to a day where there wasn't enough water to run the water fountains, take a shower, or go to the bathroom, but the sprinklers would still come on. They are a constant in my life. Whenever I need reassurance as to why I have to do something each day, I look to my sprinklers. The best part is that when they aren't on, they disappear into the ground without a trace, so no one knows where they are. Tricky little bastards.

And then we have the pigeons. New York pigeons may be the one species on Earth that isn't afraid of anything. They've seen it all, for sure. And the one thing they convey the best? They couldn't give a flying fuck about you and where you're walking. A Mac truck could be hurdling at a New York pigeon at sixty miles per hour with no sign of stopping, and it would just stand right in the middle of the road and say, "Fuck you, bitch. Watch where I'm walking." Actually, they say that to everyone.

The weekend of November the fifth is turning into the busiest weekend an ex-Hilltone, Off the Beat-obsessed, best-friend-oriented person could have realized. Not only does Jeff's show fall on that Friday and Saturday, the Off the Beat concert follows the same pattern, and Cabaret is that Saturday as well. It's not really a complicated situation, as there's no way I'm missing Jeff's show, it's just a damn shame they all fall on the same weekend. I may try and scoot down to Philly that Friday for the Off the Beat show, and be crazy and take a train to Boston the next morning. Cabaret, I love you dearly, and Chamber Singers knows they mean the world to me, but I will see you soon. If not at the Winter Concert, then A Cappella Fest. That being said, I'm going to Boston to see my best friend in his first college production. An interesting bit of trivia...our beloved director Mr. vR played the exact role Jeff is taking on when he was in one of his first productions. Jeff, if it's any sign, you're on your way man! I can't wait to see the show!

For those who were wondering, it's still raining.

I pulled my neck out this past weekend. That was no fun. Big big ouch. It's finally starting to return to normal and I have regained most of the rotating movement in my neck, but damn, that really hurt.

And now the usual spiel. I miss everyone. Everytime I read a comment, see someone online, click on a Facebook or MySpace link...I'm thinking about all of you. I wasn't able to send any work to anyone because they told me to keep it for midterm reviews, but they're over now, and I'd love to give anyone some of my work if they want it. So here's to Jeff and Jon, my dearest Kelsey and Heather, Maggie, and Mads. Here's to Hannah, Ellie, and Lina - the best trollers that ever were. Andrew, fix your computer. Steve, I think you're always the first to read each update. Jon, I hope your games come soon. And here's to my family; thank you for putting up with me so far, and I hope you continue to read my various thoughts and feelings.

And to you too. And you. Oh, and you. Well...actually, not you.

=)

I think, therefore I am

I was sitting in English. It was pretty normal I guess, everyone was present and Mr. Stevens was enjoying not having to deal with any of the sophomores, freshmen, or juniors as his last class of the day. We may have just finished Memento, but I'm honestly not sure. Mr. Stevens said that we were leaving for college soon, and that we'd better realize it. It was going to mark a huge change for us. He said that all of us fell into three catagories; some couldn't wait to get as far away from Philadelphia as possible, some didn't know how they felt, and probably very few of us were content with the way their life was at the present time. He said it was supposed to be like this, we were supposed to feel that way, because we were teenagers and it was the time in a person's life when they are supposed to be going out on their own.

If anyone has had Philip Stevens as their teacher (I've been lucky enough to have had him twice), you will undoubtably feel as though he is one of the smartest men you have ever met. And not snobby smart, not by any means. I'm talking about pure, intellectually driven genius. He is a master of logic, and he should be teaching AP English at any Ivy League school. He's so much more brilliant than any of my Professors here, and for those of you still at CHA, treasure your time with him. You will miss it.

And what Mr. Stevens said about how we felt was right on the money.

Unfortunately, I was one of the very few that was actually content with my life. Since coming to Pratt, I've been living without the two aspects of my life that got me through highschool, namely acting (through Players), and singing (Hilltones/Chamber Singers). Who am I kidding? I'm a performer. I'm an artist, no doubt, but I'm an artist of multiple mediums. And I'm realizing more and more how much of a thesbian I truly was and want to be. I'm an actor, a man of the stage, and living without it only serves for me to realize how much it actually meant.

And singing! And music...I don't want to live without these things in my life. They are essential, you know? They are critical. It was a therapy for me. It didn't matter if I was good or not, it wasn't about that. It was about enjoying what I was a part of, it was about the process of learning a piece of music or creating a character to play a role. And it changed, too. You move from one piece of music to the next, you assume the role of a different character.

I could still go on stage right now and sing my part for any of the songs I learned in Hilltones and Chamber Singers. I could still play the role of any character I've played in Players at this moment. These things are what completed my life...and I was happy. I think I could have continued to sing with Hilltones and acted with Players for a few more years without having the slightest doubt about it. Maybe it's because I still felt I had so much to learn. From my friends, my directors, and myself.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a character. But you also know that I am not only one either.

In other news, I have midterms this week. I have to meet with most of my teachers individually and review every single piece of work we've done so far this semester as to assess my progress. Woo. Let's hope I can find all of it.

And I miss everyone. I'm doing well, but that doesn't mean I don't think about all of you every single day that I'm here. =)

I See

It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm a man of the theatre.

And how I miss it so.

Will update later, I promise.

Fun

"This may be the best run organization in the NFL." - Joe Buck on my Eagles.

BAM. I love watching them kick so much ass from another city.

I'll update soon.