"I think you've gone over to the bad place."

/dark sarcasm

I'm in one of those moods (?) where every five minutes seem to take two hours.

And every two hours feel a week long.

Web sites don't update fast enough. The news isn't new anymore. You don't know if AIM is playing tricks on you or not, but you haven't gotten IM'ed in years. Years.

Now, where did I put that girlfriend I don't have...

/end dark sarcasm

Just to clarify, this is all the result of no sleep last night and a growing headache. I'm really much happier in person. I think.

Sure I'm sure.

Sonofabitch. Why am I still awake? Ugh.

I've had the flu for the past week. Another 'Ugh'. I'm pretty sure I'm on the downhill side of it now, but seriously, being sick is not fun. Playing hookey is fun. Being sick is just not.

Back to the question of why the hell I'm still awake...I still don't know, but now there's actual daylight coming through my window. This is bad. It certainly doesn't bode well for falling asleep later. I hate actually being sick.

As for the rest of me...well, it's become pretty clear that not only do I miss singing and acting, but I actually think about Hilltones and/or Chambers all the time. You wouldn't believe the thoughts in my head, but for some reason, I just don't think of them as being so crazy. For instance, I think about the recordings we made last year, and how I would have loved to do them properly. Sometimes I think we could still do it; sorta call everyone up and set a date or something. It's ridiculous, I think, but the idea keeps coming to mind. I would have loved to sing one more year with that group. If I had the chance, I'd sing with them right now. I listen to Off The Beat, or the GFS CD's and I have all these grand visions of singing again...

Once more it dawns on me (no pun intended, as the light in my room increases) how much I write about the past. I hate to admit it, but right now I feel like I've already seen my 'glory days' or prime or whatever you want to call it. I'm in a slump. The truth is that I'm not as happy right now as I was during high school. Pratt is a wonderful school, but It is strictly an art school and personally, I'm just not sure I feel like I belong there. On the other hand, I don't know where I belong. And while I haven't made a lot of really good friends up there, the few I have made mean a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn't know exactly what I wanted.

I would also be saying a lot more than I'd want to if I talked about that.

I'm sorry. I just...I just don't trust myself that often when I'm in these situations.

One thing I'm sure of - I'd audition for a group with Graceland.

Not much sense.

I have, on average, fifty buddies online at any given time.

I talk to maybe ten of them.

AIM can be a very weird thing.

Which was nice.

My list of awesomest concerts ever just got one show longer. Which is good, because on the whole, my spring break has been pretty uneventful. But this concert was awesome. I'm referring to the Off The Beat spring show, for those who weren't aware, and they just really fucking rock. And of course, the incredibly talented Deb was up there doing her thing and making it look so easy. This girl is the same girl that I sat in the audience with at our first Off The Beat show. This is the same girl who I got to sing with in Chamber Singers during my sophomore year. I acted on stage with this girl, and I hung out with her (still do, when I can) at the Pringles. So to have been able to watch her grow from a member of our high school a cappella group to a full fledged college a cappella goddess makes me feel beyond honored. It makes me smile big and wide and goofy every time I see her step out from that red curtain at the Anthropology Museum. When she takes the mic for her solo, I am already on my feet applauding. And I will always be waiting for her after the show. To be able to be there each time she does another show is so special. This one's for you, Deb. You're an inspiration. You...well, you just make me feel so lucky to be your friend. I will always be at your show. =)

So spring break was totally uneventful, in a certain sense. I won't lie, I had big expectations. I had people I wanted to see so badly, but it didn't happen. It sucked. Big time. I did get to spend the day at Springside their last day before break, and so I was able to see most of my friends who are still there. And that was good, it really was. I was very happy to see them, and we had a great time.

Part of what threw me off is that we are supposed to be out of Wood Norton by the 30th of March. So I came home to boxes and whole lot of packing. The real kicker though is that we don't have a house to move into yet. The house we thought we were going to is still being lived in by it's occupants, and since we never signed a contract with them, we technically have nothing. So my mom is moving in with my great aunt until we find a place, and everything that was at my mom's apartment is going into storage. It's so surreal for me...I haven't been here. I don't know how to help or deal with it. And when I come back from school the next time, I won't go home to that apartment ever again. That was my home after my parents divorced...that's where I've spent the most years of my life. And I'm not even going to be here when we move out? I feel so disconnected...

I guess it didn't really help that all my friends had break at different times than I did. I didn't get to see anyone. I think I put myself in the position where I'm taken for granted. People expect me to be here...and I always am. But there's another piece of the puzzle too - believe it or not, I have my own desires. I want to see certain people when I'm home. I think people assume that I'll just be there the next time they need me, and so it doesn't really matter when I want to see them or not. I'll see them on their own time, on their own terms...

The problem is that I will always be there. I'll be taken for granted. And I won't say a damn thing.

Anyway, I miss everyone. I hope I get to see you soon.

But it was a fucking awesome concert. Deb, I love you. You rock my world.

I do not feel well. In the stomach area. Nauseous, if you will. Ick.

It messes everything up when people have spring break at completely different times. That's just no good. Mine's next week, but I don't think anyone else's is.

Emilie would kill me if she knew I wasn't in class right now. But in my defense, all of my teachers have said to stay in our rooms if we don't feel well.

Okay, I'm done for now.

Survey of Sleeping in Art History

I think I might pass out from this class. I can't understand my professor. At all. Her accent is thickly Asian, and having a wireless internet connection is the only thing that's keeping me from jumping out the window. The lighting couldn't be more appropriate for a nap, and many are taking advantage of it. A couple others are watching [i]Dirty Dancing[/i], while another girl is editing something for 4D in Final Cut Express.

So I've decided to take advantage of the situation. I'm updating.

Yesterday I got the chance to go to the Natural History Museum with my drawing class, and it was awesome. The entire class spent the first hour we were there just walking around and trying to take it all in. We were also looking for the best exhibits to draw, and many were attracted to the full sized, stuffed African elephants and mammoth bones. I was intrigued by the mammoths myself, but there were already five or six people drawing them, and I didn't want to commit to that before looking through the rest of the museum. So I set off. I was determined to find something different to draw, but alas, I didn't find anything else as interesting as the mammoths. What I did find was a full size whale sculpture hanging from the ceiling of the Oceanic exhibit, a simulation of the 'Big Bang' laser light show, a café, two incredibly random wings of the museum that I ended up lost in, and after another hour or so, an excellent idea of what the museum had to offer and where.

No matter, though, because I found myself back at the mammoths. And it went pretty well, I think. A funny side story is that a few girls came up to me, only the didn't speak English very well. Spanish was their native tongue, and after a few translation attempts, it turned out they wanted to take a picture of my drawing. Take about an ego boost. I couldn't have asked for a better compliment. Some kid nabbed one of my eraser's though, the stupid git.

Other than that life is not that exciting. More so than this art history class, but not by all that much. "I need to dance! I want to ha cha cha!" That's a Marx Brother's quote.

Blaaaah.

Unexpected Arrival

So I got this notification from Facebook the other day saying that Sara Heinze had just friended me. Now, I had just heard about Heather and Jon creating an account using some eight grader's email address, so it was totally within the realm of possibility that Sara had hijacked Kelsey's account and created her own. That is to say, I wouldn't have been surprised to hear that it had happened.

Imagine my surprise when I logged on to Facebook and had eight new friend requests. Damn. Probably the funniest thing is that only my brother was among them, not my sister. Thank god she isn't someone who's completely obsessed. Either that or she really just doesn't care if she's friends with me. I'm kind of a geek though, so I would completely understand it. I mean, I can touch type.

Just to clear up any rumors (and possible disappointment with regard to my lack of contact with anyone I would have liked to see) I did come home last weekend. It was a completely in the moment decision, made at 6:30 PM on Friday night. And so I hopped a 7:35 train and got into Philly around 9:00. It was the first time I had been home since I had gotten back to school, and I definitely needed the time to recuperate. Sometimes you just need to be able to have your own room for a couple nights. Privacy has the uncanny ability to disappear once you have a room-mate. Especially when you've lived so long with your own room.

So I came home on a whim, and it was great to just be there and not have to worry about anything. Home has sort of become a safe haven in a way. I think a couple people may be confused about my not coming to Players or showing my face anywhere, and the truth is that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I'm coming home again this coming weekend and I will be coming to Players then when I can actually spend some quality time there. I hate rushing in and out of a place I miss so much. It gives me such an empty feeling. Rest assured, though, I am coming back this weekend to see who I can. I think I confused Bob pretty thoroughly when I picked my sister up from Players, though. I'm not sure he believed it was actually me, or if he was a little put off that I didn't make a point to stop. Again, I will make big deals about this weekend.

It's my sister's 'Sweet 16' this Saturday. I'm really excited for her. How could I not be? Happy pre-birthday babe. =)

Steve sent me a link the other night to an open audition for the Hyannis Sound and their summer group. They weren't concerned with what school you were from, all they asked was that you be in college and willing to spend your early summer in Cape Cod. There website has all the details. Anyway, I fired off an email to their director, and let him know I was interested. I also mentioned that I had sung in high school and that I also had a thing for beat boxing. I wasn't really expecting anything back from him, so I was quite surprised to see an email the following day informing me that I had been added to the auditions list. The auditions, by the way, are in two weeks. I have no idea what I would sing. So I don't really know where this is going, if it's going anywhere. But it sounds like it could be fun. I'm also incredibly anxious to sing again...anywhere. I miss it so much...

I really prefer Coke over Pepsi. Pepsi is just so damn sweet...

Erm...well, a lot has happened in some other areas of my life. Kinda don't know what to say right now though. I don't really want to say anything because I'm so lost in some ways and right at home in others, so I guess I'm not really sure if I'm coming or going.

It's somewhat humorous because I realized I'm right at home with not knowing what's going on. =)

Crazy, right? Hell yes it is. I wouldn't have it any other way.