Anniversary

You won't believe it.

I sure as hell didn't.

And yet, believe it or not, it has been over a year since I started this blog. Hmm. Hmm, indeed.

It's been a year and a month, give or take.

Wait a second...

Oh, dear god. This can't be good.

I think I'm dating my blog.

Of Christmas Past

The Christmas spirit in the United States begins the day after Thanksgiving. Personally, while I love Christmas, I think that's insane. Perhaps it's the massive amount of marketing that companies want to accomplish, maybe it's the huge shipments that stores have to sell, or I suppose it could be that many people are just willing to spend that much more money between the end of November and Christmas Eve. For whatever reason though, Christmas seems like forever in the coming, and it's always quite a shock to me when the whole thing is over in one day. It's worse than Players, where at least each production gets three nights! But Christmas brings together my families in ways no other holiday can, and I'm very grateful for it.

It's relatively early on the morning after Christmas and my sister is walking around talking to Elle on the phone while my brother shouts random things from his room. We've had a long, long day. Christmas is an annual obstacle course for the three of us, and this year was no different. The established system has worked well so far, and only time will tell if it stays this way.

Christmas Eve is spent at my mother's which means we wake up there on Christmas day. We go through the whole gift giving shenanigan with her alone. We then proceed by either having my grandmother, uncles, and other relatives join us, or joining them at my grandmother's house. We do all the hullaballoo over again with them. After having spent a good amount of time with my mother's side of the family, and once the conversation turns to politics, we very sneakily exit and go to my dad's house where we finally see my father. We hug, we dance, and we exchange more presents. Maybe we eat something, too. Mostly, we just sit back and relax because my dad's built a fire and there's music on in the background. It's not uncommon for a nap or two to occur. And this is generally a good idea, because the main event on my father's side of the family is the dinner we have with my grandmother, my aunts, and my cousins. This year was especially important because Phoebe and I were both back from our first semester's of college (she's at Skidmore), and we hadn't seen each other yet. But dinner is always a huge amount of fun and everyone is always so funny and there is so much to talk about and we never get tired of it. Basically, Christmas is awesome. The whole family is in rare form, and it becomes about something I cannot describe. It's a feeling between all of us. And it's never about the presents, it's about the company. Although there are some running joke presents that can spark hilarious outcomes.

I managed to make actual contact with only two friends, though. I played some text-tag with a few people (some I had no idea who they were...), but I actually caught Sara and Emilie when they could see their phones, and it was nice to share even a short yuletide moment with both of them. Sara and I had an entire ten minute competition for who could find the most outrageous word to describe just how amazing the ending of our conversation was. It was amazing. Sensational, even. Glorious, as it were. =) She's wonderful.

And I'm exhausted. I've recovered from the illness I endured for a lengthy twelve hours, so w00t.

So much to say and so little energy! Updates galore tomorrow!

But until then my loves, a very merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Christmas Eve Ailments

So just when I thought I was that close to naturally being depressed about life, it turns out I was sick the entire damn time. Bah.

I can't ever recall having my body temperature fluctuate as quickly as it did last night. One minute I was sitting with my head in my hands and the sweat dripping onto the floor from my forehead, and three minutes later, I was on the floor shivering. My entire body ached. I didn't want to move, and I didn't want to feel like I did anymore.

Turns out the entire thing was because of a stomach bug that seems to be going around, one that makes you feel nausea through both sharp and dull pains. I was afraid to eat or drink anything the entire night and into the next morning because I wouldn't have been able to keep it down. I didn't throw up, but I'm pretty sure I was close a few times.

As per usual, I was quarantined to my bed, where the only person I saw throughout the entire endeavor was my mother, who brought me sympathetic groans, pillows, liquids, and advil every so often. I have a bathroom right off my room at my moms, which meant that I ended up only leaving my general room area once - to take a bath. Otherwise I was sleeping or trying to get comfortable.

The bottom line is that I haven't done anything for Christmas Eve. I haven't seen my dad yet, and my brother and sister have both been with him since yesterday. I feel much better than I did when things were at their worst, but I still feel achy and a little nauseous in the tummy so eating anything really substantial isn't an option quite yet.

So I'm sick on Christmas Eve. Probably what I deserve after those two fairly grim and angry posts, I owe my blog an apology. I have a rather obvious tendency to act a certain way or say something on a subject that is too raw. Sure, gut reactions are important, but often tend to be greatly exaggerated. Damn hyperbole. So I apologize to my blog and it's readers. I'm sorry. I thought that those posts would make me feel better about things, but I was definately wrong. In fact, I felt worse.

For what it's worth, hopefully only happy stories are to come from my keyboard in the following entries.

Wait for it...tummyache.

After Careful Review...

I'll leave the post I made last night up, because I think it's important to acknoledge feelings right when they're felt, but I very seriously considered taking it down. Instead, I'll offer up the advice that even if I can't manage to do it myself all that often, taking chances sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

I obviously push the limits in many areas of life, and I tend to bend the rules to almost breaking point on a daily basis by some standards, but when it comes to women, I run and hide. So guys, take it from me; just do it. You may end up the happiest guy in the world. And as so many people have pointed out to me, the worst she can say is 'no'. You can say its hypocritical of me all you want, but it's the truth.

So last night's post was typed with me feeling rather bitter about life. Having said that, most of it stands. I wasn't happy after I left, but I'm not sure what I was feeling either.

The comments I made towards myself were a little disturbing, but I suppose they were warrented too. They point back towards that point I made at the beginning of this post.

I guess this post is sort of a segway into last night's. I dunno.

At least it reads somewhat more sane.

Out of the Question

You don't want to read this, I promise. It's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be nice, I'm not having a good night. After saying that I guess I should probably expect anyone who's reading this to read it all faster. Funny how things work out like that.

So anyway, I am once more frustrated (sort of becoming a pattern, isn't it?), and I'm lucky enough to have a place that can't say anything back to me when I bitch. So thank you blog, and deal with it. Harsh words may be used, but I don't really care.

Tonight was supposed to be perfect. I was clean shaven, I thought I looked pretty good, and everything seemed to be in place. I was going to be with my friends, one of whom I hadn't seen since August. Yeah, she was going to be there. I wouldn't let myself believe it until I finally saw her, and when I did...well, there were truly no words.

But I was so unhappy when I left Maggie's tonight. I was sad, and I was furious with myself. Nothing had gone the way I wanted it to. And I had no one to blame but myself.

I had listened much more than I talked, and I saw how happy everyone was at their schools away from home. They loved where they were, they loved what they were doing, and they felt like things were right. If nothing else, I realized just how mediocre my feelings towards Pratt really are. I am not happy there like my friends are at their schools, not by a long shot. My heart is not in it. Maybe I should never have gone to college...I don't know what I would have done, though. Probably stayed in Philly, just thinking about my friends every day.

But that's what I do anyway...

I'm not living in the past, really, I'm not. It's just that I'm not moving forward in the same direction as everyone else seems to be. I'm moving forward, but I'm doing so with the same friends as before. It was one night, the first in almost six months since all of us had been together, and I felt closer to them than I did with almost anyone at Pratt. Sitting with them tonight, I wondered if they each had a group of people at school where the same sort of feeling was present as it was when we were all together. I don't.

------

I'm such an idiot. I really am. You don't wait this long to say something, you know? Of course, this is about par for the course with me. I'm such a fucking moron. Maybe you should act how you feel and forget about what the rest of the world thinks for once, jackass. You know what you want, don't you

Yes...

Then there's no excuse. Maybe try and say out loud what you've typed out a hundred times. Maybe actually act on things.

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For those who are reading this, don't feel sorry for me. I'm writing this because it's the truth, and most of it's been happening for a while, even if I didn't want to admit it. I don't know what else to say.

I know want I want, but it's impossible to think of it as realistic anymore. It was, once upon a time, but like so many things before, I watched it pass me by.

What's wrong with me?

If you could see me...

If you knew what I looked like right now, you'd probably run away from your computer monitor screaming.

It's that scary.

Damnit

I just had this whole post typed out and my browser crashed. Lost the whole damn thing.

In retrospect, I hate who I've sometimes been and what I've sometimes done.

It usually happens about five seconds after I've done something I realize I should have handled differently.

Like about ten minutes ago. I know I've said it a million times, but I wish I was a different person sometimes. Or I wish I didn't care about some things or some people like I do. It's not fair, they don't feel the same way about me. Perhaps it's to strong a word, but am I suffering? It's just that I feel like I'm not in control of my own feelings. And even when I hate the way someone acts or behaves or lives their life now, I can't turn my back to them.

Sorry, I'm tired and ranting and I've worked about 20 of the past 36 hours, so you have to take it all with a grain of salt. I'm just frustrated.

A Most Important Past

I'm so torn. I've just gotten home from the official Players cast party and I guess I'm just completely lost and confused. It was so wonderful to come back and see these people that I loved so much. I was so happy to see them too, but I was totally unprepared for how excited they were to see me. I was caught off guard.

Bob asked me to sing with the Hilltones on saturday night. Of course I did, but what I didn't get a chance to tell him was how much it meant to me. It made my night, it really did. I knew I missed singing, but I never knew how much. It was a moment of pure bliss, a moment I hadn't dared myself to dream about.

Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I have graduated.

I just don't want to let these people out of my lives. Ever. I've got severe long term separation anxiety. The translation is that I don't let people out of my life. I can't. I never want to forget someone, and I will sometimes go to very silly extremes in order to make sure they stay in my life. It's probably the only thing still affecting me from my parents divorce, and I've basically accepted it's not going to go away any time soon.

And so where am I? I'm not in high school anymore, and if I was going to be honest, there's no way all of me is in college. I'm in a very weird limbo. I'm torn.

How amazing was it to come back? I can't even begin to explain all of it. However, there were a couple things that just made my weekend. Any Players that read this blog and weren't mentioned (Hannah, Elle, Lina, etc.) don't think for even a moment that seeing you wasn't wonderful, because it was. I was just surprised by some things too.

I had the pleasure of working with Maeve Koch for the first time in Patience, but hardly ever had any contact with her until much later. In her sophemore year, she was elected to Players board and I guess it was around then and the start of working on Laramie that I spent any real time with her. Now you have to understand, Maeve is not just cool, she's fucking awesome. And then there's that minor thing where I found her to be one of the most attractive girls I'd ever seen. I don't think I ever told anyone about that. Jeff and I would look at each other and be thinking the same thing, but it was never anything real.

I guess it happened gradually, and it was probably because every other guy was doing it too, but I did flirt a lot with Maeve. I'm not sure it was ever real because she was flirting with everyone, and was mostly surrounded by the likes of Kevin Brewster and Danny Cortés, but it was so much fun. It was always so fun. She is so cool and sexy but also aware of what's going on.

But that was it. The friendship was limited to Players. I never hung out with her outside of rehearsals or cast parties. She was without a doubt one of the most talented actors of the group, though. God, she is so good. In Museum? In Alice? And now in High Society? She just knows what she's doing and has no shame or fear. And she can do comedy so well. She's just so on the ball, you know? What else can I say?

Well, you can't imagine how shocked I was when multiple Players came up to me and told me how much Maeve had said she missed me. I was floored. I don't think I believed it until I actually saw her during the intermission for the friday night show. She ran toward me, I shouted her name, and then it was as if we had been best friends. Huge hugs, huge smiles, and it was then that I realized how much I actually missed her too. I felt that way about so many of the people I saw in the green room, and adding Maeve to the list didn't make it easier to go back to my seat for the second act. The thing was, I was so happy to see her too. She looked like she was doing better than ever, and her acting was phenomenal. I loved seeing her, I absolutely loved it. It felt so good.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I wish I was able to go back and spend more time getting to know her, being her friend, and acting with her. She is so damn good.

And I wish I had gotten to act with Sara Heinze more too. Hell, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her in general. There's something about those two sisters that I don't know how to say. They are so dear to me, I don't know how else to say it. I love them so much, and I miss them. I wish I had them both in my life every day.

I'm tired and confused. There's a very good chance I'll come back to this in the morning and have no idea what I wrote or why I wrote it. But all of it's fresh, not even two hours old. Sometimes it's better to get it all out before stopping to think about it.

Oh, and Boat couldn't make it up are entirely ice covered driveway. She's sitting at the entrance to it, blocking anyone from going in or out. There was nothing I could do, I swear. I tried a whole slew of things too.

Snippets

I have always been a people watcher. this was probably one of the first qualities I recognized in myself - basically, it always seems like i'm paying attention to the wrong person. you may have noticed, especially if you happen to catch a glimpse of me during a movie, concert, speech, or play. It's probably the most obvious when I'm watching a movie I'm not particularly into or have seen a dozen times before because I'll become much more interested in what how other people are watching it. it's just more interesting to me, to see how another person reacts to something, even more so when there's multiple people. And with speeches I usually find myself much more curious in how others are hearing the same words, enough so that I'll find I'm looking at anyone but the speaker.

What originally made me think of this was my remembering of all the different speeches given during my time with Players. Whenever Mr. vR, Mr. Smith, or Rob spoke before a show or at the cast party, the room would go silent, the side chatter disappeared, and everyone would give them their full attention. Often, some of my best friends in Players would react more emotionally to their words and this would always draw my attention. At other times, I would catch the eye of someone who knew exactly what I was thinking, or felt the exact same way about where we were, and a knowing nod was exchanged. Silent, but with all of the same meaning as trying to say it.

I think it's incredible how much meaning can be expressed without saying a word. I think some of the most remarkable conveyances of feeling for me have been completely silent, just by using eye contact and touch. I feel like I can really relate to someone who doesn't start to freak out if we've just been sitting in silence for however long. You know those people who start to get anxious or worried if nobody has said anything for a little while? I also find it incredible when someone can stare at me and not get weirded out by it. Not many people can.

Now on to more recent events. This is going to seem like a major step back in time, but I haven't had the chance to talk about it yet.

A while back I went to Cabaret and it was weird. I was in the audience (first row, thank you very much), I was watching my old a cappella group practice before the show, and I desperately wanted to go up and sing with them again. Maybe I still feel like we got robbed when we didn't get our May concert last year, maybe I just miss the whole feeling of singing and being a part of a group that much. I think it's probably more of the latter, but regardless, I was jealous.

But I saw people at Cabaret too! Wyn and Maggie and Jake and Steve were there, and it was amazing to see them! Everyone's doing so well. Maggie looks incredible, and she was so much fun to see again. I miss her terribly now, but I'm really happy she's doing so well. And then over thanksgiving break I finally got to see Jeff, and the man looks damn good. He's an actor. He's going to be famous. He looks older and that much more aware of things. But he looks good. I wish we had more time, but he needed his time with Veronica too, and I completely understand that.

Heather's is always a fabulous time, and I love Art and Sue so much. And then there's Elle, Lina, Hannah and in a separate catagory, Sara. I'm so glad that we are still as close as we are, and that it's never weird to see them again. We take our friends for granted and when we leave, we should never expect things to be even remotely the same when we come back. These four have been in another league though, and instead I jump up and run to see them each time. I feel like I have a connection with Sara that I don't have with anyone else right now. Sorta hard to explain. She's just an awesome, amazing person.

I still haven't seen Kelsey Heinze though. This is a major problem. Big, huge, catastrophic, cataclysmic even. It's just wrong. I'm going to see her during the weekend of the Players show, but dear god, it's been so long and it's so not fair. I'm going through serious withdraw and it's taking it's toll. I can't even explain the effects to anyone, they're too horrific to mention. I'm so fucking excited to finally see her.

The truth be told, I haven't finished my letter to Players yet. I've started about three of them, and each one is completely different. I remember the presidents having to skim through certain letters because they were too long, so I don't want that to happen, I just need to finish one. Have no fear, it'll be done. I just need to think about it...

Went to the Off the Beat show, picked up their new CD, already have it memorized. 'Nuff said. It's different from their past releases in a couple ways. It's not nearly as "loud" or "harsh" sounding. But they're gods. Deb is out of this world.

If a lot of these snippets seem random...they kinda are. I have so much I feel I need to recap on, plus all the thoughts running through my head. I think part of me feels like if I finally get some of these out I'll have some more room to think about things and expand on them. I really need to finish that Players letter.

And there's always more to say. I don't know how I'll ever truly catch up but this feels like a step in the right direction. I'll have a lot more free time soon enough, but finals are right around the corner and while I'm not exactly working myself to the bone, I'll be more busy than before. Break is in a week and a half, and then I'm scott free to write without any hesitation. Until then...keep commenting. =)