Out of the Question
You don't want to read this, I promise. It's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be nice, I'm not having a good night. After saying that I guess I should probably expect anyone who's reading this to read it all faster. Funny how things work out like that.
So anyway, I am once more frustrated (sort of becoming a pattern, isn't it?), and I'm lucky enough to have a place that can't say anything back to me when I bitch. So thank you blog, and deal with it. Harsh words may be used, but I don't really care.
Tonight was supposed to be perfect. I was clean shaven, I thought I looked pretty good, and everything seemed to be in place. I was going to be with my friends, one of whom I hadn't seen since August. Yeah, she was going to be there. I wouldn't let myself believe it until I finally saw her, and when I did...well, there were truly no words.
But I was so unhappy when I left Maggie's tonight. I was sad, and I was furious with myself. Nothing had gone the way I wanted it to. And I had no one to blame but myself.
I had listened much more than I talked, and I saw how happy everyone was at their schools away from home. They loved where they were, they loved what they were doing, and they felt like things were right. If nothing else, I realized just how mediocre my feelings towards Pratt really are. I am not happy there like my friends are at their schools, not by a long shot. My heart is not in it. Maybe I should never have gone to college...I don't know what I would have done, though. Probably stayed in Philly, just thinking about my friends every day.
But that's what I do anyway...
I'm not living in the past, really, I'm not. It's just that I'm not moving forward in the same direction as everyone else seems to be. I'm moving forward, but I'm doing so with the same friends as before. It was one night, the first in almost six months since all of us had been together, and I felt closer to them than I did with almost anyone at Pratt. Sitting with them tonight, I wondered if they each had a group of people at school where the same sort of feeling was present as it was when we were all together. I don't.
------
I'm such an idiot. I really am. You don't wait this long to say something, you know? Of course, this is about par for the course with me. I'm such a fucking moron. Maybe you should act how you feel and forget about what the rest of the world thinks for once, jackass. You know what you want, don't you
Yes...
Then there's no excuse. Maybe try and say out loud what you've typed out a hundred times. Maybe actually act on things.
------
For those who are reading this, don't feel sorry for me. I'm writing this because it's the truth, and most of it's been happening for a while, even if I didn't want to admit it. I don't know what else to say.
I know want I want, but it's impossible to think of it as realistic anymore. It was, once upon a time, but like so many things before, I watched it pass me by.
What's wrong with me?
So anyway, I am once more frustrated (sort of becoming a pattern, isn't it?), and I'm lucky enough to have a place that can't say anything back to me when I bitch. So thank you blog, and deal with it. Harsh words may be used, but I don't really care.
Tonight was supposed to be perfect. I was clean shaven, I thought I looked pretty good, and everything seemed to be in place. I was going to be with my friends, one of whom I hadn't seen since August. Yeah, she was going to be there. I wouldn't let myself believe it until I finally saw her, and when I did...well, there were truly no words.
But I was so unhappy when I left Maggie's tonight. I was sad, and I was furious with myself. Nothing had gone the way I wanted it to. And I had no one to blame but myself.
I had listened much more than I talked, and I saw how happy everyone was at their schools away from home. They loved where they were, they loved what they were doing, and they felt like things were right. If nothing else, I realized just how mediocre my feelings towards Pratt really are. I am not happy there like my friends are at their schools, not by a long shot. My heart is not in it. Maybe I should never have gone to college...I don't know what I would have done, though. Probably stayed in Philly, just thinking about my friends every day.
But that's what I do anyway...
I'm not living in the past, really, I'm not. It's just that I'm not moving forward in the same direction as everyone else seems to be. I'm moving forward, but I'm doing so with the same friends as before. It was one night, the first in almost six months since all of us had been together, and I felt closer to them than I did with almost anyone at Pratt. Sitting with them tonight, I wondered if they each had a group of people at school where the same sort of feeling was present as it was when we were all together. I don't.
------
I'm such an idiot. I really am. You don't wait this long to say something, you know? Of course, this is about par for the course with me. I'm such a fucking moron. Maybe you should act how you feel and forget about what the rest of the world thinks for once, jackass. You know what you want, don't you
Yes...
Then there's no excuse. Maybe try and say out loud what you've typed out a hundred times. Maybe actually act on things.
------
For those who are reading this, don't feel sorry for me. I'm writing this because it's the truth, and most of it's been happening for a while, even if I didn't want to admit it. I don't know what else to say.
I know want I want, but it's impossible to think of it as realistic anymore. It was, once upon a time, but like so many things before, I watched it pass me by.
What's wrong with me?
posted by Tilly at 1:28 AM
1 Comments:
oh, tillman. you and i live in these silly worlds where all our friends went off to college and became the happiest they've ever been. i remember when i was a frosh at beloit... there waren't words to explain how much i detested it. all the more when i came home on breaks and had to endure the fanfare from my group that had gone off and apparently discovered utopia in their academia. i thought i'd dropped the ball and picked the wrong school, that college wasn't right for me, or worse, that *i* wasn't right for *college*. none of these things turned out to be true. sometimes it just takes people longer to find their niche at a school. if you're truly unhappy somewhere, it's pretty easy to tell, but if yo're like i was, you waiver... mostly you're just confused, even more a little jealous of your friends who seemed to have gelled perfectly in their new environments. sometimes it just takes time, and sometimes more time then we'd like to give it. do you like what you're doing at pratt? do you enjoy what yo'ure learning, and how you're learning it? do you enjoy spending time with the people you're choosing to spend time with? (first sem frosh year, i realized i wasn't. i ditched almost every one of the friends i thought i'd made, right after thanksgiving break, and took up with a new group.)
my point: don't try and gauge your happiness at pratt by the meter of your friends happiness at their schools. you are not they, and their universities are not your art school.
furthermore: our friends are overachieving weirdos.
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