A Most Important Past
I'm so torn. I've just gotten home from the official Players cast party and I guess I'm just completely lost and confused. It was so wonderful to come back and see these people that I loved so much. I was so happy to see them too, but I was totally unprepared for how excited they were to see me. I was caught off guard.
Bob asked me to sing with the Hilltones on saturday night. Of course I did, but what I didn't get a chance to tell him was how much it meant to me. It made my night, it really did. I knew I missed singing, but I never knew how much. It was a moment of pure bliss, a moment I hadn't dared myself to dream about.
Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I have graduated.
I just don't want to let these people out of my lives. Ever. I've got severe long term separation anxiety. The translation is that I don't let people out of my life. I can't. I never want to forget someone, and I will sometimes go to very silly extremes in order to make sure they stay in my life. It's probably the only thing still affecting me from my parents divorce, and I've basically accepted it's not going to go away any time soon.
And so where am I? I'm not in high school anymore, and if I was going to be honest, there's no way all of me is in college. I'm in a very weird limbo. I'm torn.
How amazing was it to come back? I can't even begin to explain all of it. However, there were a couple things that just made my weekend. Any Players that read this blog and weren't mentioned (Hannah, Elle, Lina, etc.) don't think for even a moment that seeing you wasn't wonderful, because it was. I was just surprised by some things too.
I had the pleasure of working with Maeve Koch for the first time in Patience, but hardly ever had any contact with her until much later. In her sophemore year, she was elected to Players board and I guess it was around then and the start of working on Laramie that I spent any real time with her. Now you have to understand, Maeve is not just cool, she's fucking awesome. And then there's that minor thing where I found her to be one of the most attractive girls I'd ever seen. I don't think I ever told anyone about that. Jeff and I would look at each other and be thinking the same thing, but it was never anything real.
I guess it happened gradually, and it was probably because every other guy was doing it too, but I did flirt a lot with Maeve. I'm not sure it was ever real because she was flirting with everyone, and was mostly surrounded by the likes of Kevin Brewster and Danny Cortés, but it was so much fun. It was always so fun. She is so cool and sexy but also aware of what's going on.
But that was it. The friendship was limited to Players. I never hung out with her outside of rehearsals or cast parties. She was without a doubt one of the most talented actors of the group, though. God, she is so good. In Museum? In Alice? And now in High Society? She just knows what she's doing and has no shame or fear. And she can do comedy so well. She's just so on the ball, you know? What else can I say?
Well, you can't imagine how shocked I was when multiple Players came up to me and told me how much Maeve had said she missed me. I was floored. I don't think I believed it until I actually saw her during the intermission for the friday night show. She ran toward me, I shouted her name, and then it was as if we had been best friends. Huge hugs, huge smiles, and it was then that I realized how much I actually missed her too. I felt that way about so many of the people I saw in the green room, and adding Maeve to the list didn't make it easier to go back to my seat for the second act. The thing was, I was so happy to see her too. She looked like she was doing better than ever, and her acting was phenomenal. I loved seeing her, I absolutely loved it. It felt so good.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I wish I was able to go back and spend more time getting to know her, being her friend, and acting with her. She is so damn good.
And I wish I had gotten to act with Sara Heinze more too. Hell, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her in general. There's something about those two sisters that I don't know how to say. They are so dear to me, I don't know how else to say it. I love them so much, and I miss them. I wish I had them both in my life every day.
I'm tired and confused. There's a very good chance I'll come back to this in the morning and have no idea what I wrote or why I wrote it. But all of it's fresh, not even two hours old. Sometimes it's better to get it all out before stopping to think about it.
Oh, and Boat couldn't make it up are entirely ice covered driveway. She's sitting at the entrance to it, blocking anyone from going in or out. There was nothing I could do, I swear. I tried a whole slew of things too.
Bob asked me to sing with the Hilltones on saturday night. Of course I did, but what I didn't get a chance to tell him was how much it meant to me. It made my night, it really did. I knew I missed singing, but I never knew how much. It was a moment of pure bliss, a moment I hadn't dared myself to dream about.
Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I have graduated.
I just don't want to let these people out of my lives. Ever. I've got severe long term separation anxiety. The translation is that I don't let people out of my life. I can't. I never want to forget someone, and I will sometimes go to very silly extremes in order to make sure they stay in my life. It's probably the only thing still affecting me from my parents divorce, and I've basically accepted it's not going to go away any time soon.
And so where am I? I'm not in high school anymore, and if I was going to be honest, there's no way all of me is in college. I'm in a very weird limbo. I'm torn.
How amazing was it to come back? I can't even begin to explain all of it. However, there were a couple things that just made my weekend. Any Players that read this blog and weren't mentioned (Hannah, Elle, Lina, etc.) don't think for even a moment that seeing you wasn't wonderful, because it was. I was just surprised by some things too.
I had the pleasure of working with Maeve Koch for the first time in Patience, but hardly ever had any contact with her until much later. In her sophemore year, she was elected to Players board and I guess it was around then and the start of working on Laramie that I spent any real time with her. Now you have to understand, Maeve is not just cool, she's fucking awesome. And then there's that minor thing where I found her to be one of the most attractive girls I'd ever seen. I don't think I ever told anyone about that. Jeff and I would look at each other and be thinking the same thing, but it was never anything real.
I guess it happened gradually, and it was probably because every other guy was doing it too, but I did flirt a lot with Maeve. I'm not sure it was ever real because she was flirting with everyone, and was mostly surrounded by the likes of Kevin Brewster and Danny Cortés, but it was so much fun. It was always so fun. She is so cool and sexy but also aware of what's going on.
But that was it. The friendship was limited to Players. I never hung out with her outside of rehearsals or cast parties. She was without a doubt one of the most talented actors of the group, though. God, she is so good. In Museum? In Alice? And now in High Society? She just knows what she's doing and has no shame or fear. And she can do comedy so well. She's just so on the ball, you know? What else can I say?
Well, you can't imagine how shocked I was when multiple Players came up to me and told me how much Maeve had said she missed me. I was floored. I don't think I believed it until I actually saw her during the intermission for the friday night show. She ran toward me, I shouted her name, and then it was as if we had been best friends. Huge hugs, huge smiles, and it was then that I realized how much I actually missed her too. I felt that way about so many of the people I saw in the green room, and adding Maeve to the list didn't make it easier to go back to my seat for the second act. The thing was, I was so happy to see her too. She looked like she was doing better than ever, and her acting was phenomenal. I loved seeing her, I absolutely loved it. It felt so good.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I wish I was able to go back and spend more time getting to know her, being her friend, and acting with her. She is so damn good.
And I wish I had gotten to act with Sara Heinze more too. Hell, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her in general. There's something about those two sisters that I don't know how to say. They are so dear to me, I don't know how else to say it. I love them so much, and I miss them. I wish I had them both in my life every day.
I'm tired and confused. There's a very good chance I'll come back to this in the morning and have no idea what I wrote or why I wrote it. But all of it's fresh, not even two hours old. Sometimes it's better to get it all out before stopping to think about it.
Oh, and Boat couldn't make it up are entirely ice covered driveway. She's sitting at the entrance to it, blocking anyone from going in or out. There was nothing I could do, I swear. I tried a whole slew of things too.
posted by Tilly at 2:52 AM
4 Comments:
Hey Till - Figured I'd chip in. It's weird, because I agree with aspects of everything in this post, and in general I always find myself agreeing with this little commentary on life that you've put together. It's a very cool thing. As for the actual content of this: again, I identify with what you're saying about separation anxiety, because I feel it too. Definitely do. One (really simple, and probably stupid!) thing that I sometimes think is, "As long as things are happening, life can't suck." I guess what this means is that if you try your damnedest to fully engage yourself in the present, it will be easier to let the (still-awesome!) past go. And then our college years will become another part of that awesome past. I'm thinking it's the best way to enjoy life.
tillman i consider it an honor to have proformed with you in that greenroom. it was also nice to have u "seniors" (as i will always refer to you) at the cast party. anyway cya!
till-
you don't know how much that means to me. i miss you so much everyday. there's something about the spirit of springside and cha that is just not the same with you in it. if something goes wrong in school it's an instinct to go to the art cave and look for you to just talk because you were always there for me no matter what. to see you again was so amazing but yet so natural. it was as if you've never left but somehow you have been gone for the longest time ever if that makes any sense at all. and as for you're problem with not letting people out of your life, i have the same problem although i'd refer to it as a blessing. anyone who cares that much about other people that they would do anything just to see them again and catch up is truly an incredible person. so, i just want to say thank you. i can't wait to see you again. thanks for coming and for everything. i love you till.
-sara
You're so adorable. I love how you are brave enough to share so many personal things here on your blog. I LOVE maeve koch (almost to an unhealthy degree) and I hope she reads what you wrote about her because she deserves to know how wonderful she is. I know it would mean everything coming from you. That limbo between high school and college only becomes limbo between college and the "real world" (whatever that is). I wonder if we ever really grow out of limbo, or if we're always sort of hanging somewhere between two worlds...
This is a really lovely post Tillman. Thanks so much for sharing it.
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