A Little More About Me? How About A Lot. Welcome To Who I Am.
What use is a blog anyway? I can't write what I feel about matters that I think about every day. A blog is only good for what doesn't involve anyone else. As soon as I have something to say that isn't socially acceptable...
I understand the desire for a secret blog. I don't have one. I won't have one. But I cannot write my feelings here either.
Ask anyone that knows me or has known me and they will say I am a dramatic person. I do not hide my feelings about things that upset me easily. If I am upset or sad about something, you will know. And it's hard for me to find the right words when I'm upset. I can find them eventually, but by the time I do it's usually become frustrating for the person I'm trying to talk to. Many people find the use of AIM to be a dividing experience. They say that there is no real connection and that emotion is impossible to express over an IM window. I love words. I love to write. I can express feeling through words and it can be meaningful. I love to hear someone's voice as well, but picking up the phone and calling someone I want to talk to makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if they want to talk to me, and more than half the time I manage to convince myself they don't. Call me crazy, you won't be the first. It's funny to think about, because I want to hear my phone ring so much. Someone wants to talk to you? All of a sudden you're special.
And so I play stupid dramatic games that I know piss some people off. I will put up an away message that is sad or depressing because I want people to feel sorry for me or I want them to IM me asking me what's wrong. I'm an asshole, and I'm a chicken. I can't tell someone directly how I feel so I leave an away message up that I hope they look at? That's sad. Only one person in my life has called me on this, and now she's...
There was a time in my short life when people came to talk to me. People trusted me.
And the one person that wants to talk to me I can't talk to.
I am selfless. I don't do things for myself except the exceptionally stupid 'sad away message' thing. As much as it may seem as though I am doing something for myself, it's usually because I want to do something for another. I don't care how much I hurt myself if it makes someone I care about happy. Go on and shoot me through the heart because if it makes your life happier or better or easier, I shouldn't have anything to say against that.
I don't feel like I show when I am angry to many people. I don't deny that I show when I am annoyed with someone else, but I doubt most of the people I know have ever seen me actually angry about something.
Lastly, I do not let things out of my life easily. Equate it to the divorce and the incredible agony it caused, or just call me insane one last time. I will not forget you. I remember the big things, and I remember the little things. I still look at the people I used to hang out with. I don't know them anymore but I remember when we did. I will constantly be reminded of things. I will not let them out of my life. I can't. I'm afraid of losing those things that meant something to me, and god help you if I truly cared about you. My mind runs at a million miles a minute, and you are a part of every mile, every minute. I cannot let go. I never let go. I'm sorry.
I understand the desire for a secret blog. I don't have one. I won't have one. But I cannot write my feelings here either.
Ask anyone that knows me or has known me and they will say I am a dramatic person. I do not hide my feelings about things that upset me easily. If I am upset or sad about something, you will know. And it's hard for me to find the right words when I'm upset. I can find them eventually, but by the time I do it's usually become frustrating for the person I'm trying to talk to. Many people find the use of AIM to be a dividing experience. They say that there is no real connection and that emotion is impossible to express over an IM window. I love words. I love to write. I can express feeling through words and it can be meaningful. I love to hear someone's voice as well, but picking up the phone and calling someone I want to talk to makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if they want to talk to me, and more than half the time I manage to convince myself they don't. Call me crazy, you won't be the first. It's funny to think about, because I want to hear my phone ring so much. Someone wants to talk to you? All of a sudden you're special.
And so I play stupid dramatic games that I know piss some people off. I will put up an away message that is sad or depressing because I want people to feel sorry for me or I want them to IM me asking me what's wrong. I'm an asshole, and I'm a chicken. I can't tell someone directly how I feel so I leave an away message up that I hope they look at? That's sad. Only one person in my life has called me on this, and now she's...
There was a time in my short life when people came to talk to me. People trusted me.
And the one person that wants to talk to me I can't talk to.
I am selfless. I don't do things for myself except the exceptionally stupid 'sad away message' thing. As much as it may seem as though I am doing something for myself, it's usually because I want to do something for another. I don't care how much I hurt myself if it makes someone I care about happy. Go on and shoot me through the heart because if it makes your life happier or better or easier, I shouldn't have anything to say against that.
I don't feel like I show when I am angry to many people. I don't deny that I show when I am annoyed with someone else, but I doubt most of the people I know have ever seen me actually angry about something.
Lastly, I do not let things out of my life easily. Equate it to the divorce and the incredible agony it caused, or just call me insane one last time. I will not forget you. I remember the big things, and I remember the little things. I still look at the people I used to hang out with. I don't know them anymore but I remember when we did. I will constantly be reminded of things. I will not let them out of my life. I can't. I'm afraid of losing those things that meant something to me, and god help you if I truly cared about you. My mind runs at a million miles a minute, and you are a part of every mile, every minute. I cannot let go. I never let go. I'm sorry.
posted by Tilly at 5:08 PM
2 Comments:
tilly. . . i love u
ok so ur stand-offish about things. . . . if thats even the right way to say it. so i think u need to hear this.
you are an AMAZING person! u rock my socks EVERYDAY. and if u called me, i would love to talk to u. u have no idea how we all love u to bits. just the other day i was on the phone with simone. really u should have heard it. it was just a a tillman compliment fest. how you are an awesome, original, good hearted, and genuine guy. u dont need to have ppl feel sorry for u through sad away messages. be urself cause, i kno i love that. you do more for ppl everyday. little things like giving me hugs or helping lela out was a computer problems or telling a variation of a muffin joke. u have so much to give so u should be proud of it. ok so u cant articulate things. AMEN TO THAT PROBLEM I GOT IT TOO! but there are ways to get through that.
so yea that was jumbled but i hope u get my message.
BE URSELF!. . . cause we love that.
Tillman- first of all, FIX YOUR LIFE! Come talk to me kid! I'm hear to listen and whatever else you need me to do. so vent baby, vent! We'll talk....
Love,Kels
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