Archivalry

Let's see...how can I put this?

2006-05-07T00:22:00.000-05:00

There are only a few days left in the semester here. Where did all the time go? A silly question, actually, but since when have I been adverse to one of those? Precisely my point.

I'm in a slump. Or something. I can tell you where I'm going tomorrow, but I don't understand myself. But I'm not lost, I just don't know where I should be. There's a difference. I'm not trying to speak in metaphors, or be intentionally misleading. I'm not trying to sound as though I have an air of literary prowess. Those are my true feelings. I am not lost, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be either - if anywhere at all.

Letting people down is probably one of my greatest concerns. I never feel more more inadequete than after I've let someone down.

I don't know if I made a mistake, but we haven't spoken in a while. In reality, we never really had all that much contact before I spoke my mind, but now it's actually nothing. Who am I kidding? The mere notion is absolutely ridiculous. I need to wake up. But I won't. I'm stubborn and devoted and resistant. Luckily, there happens to be a synonym for that type of person; an imbecile.

Somebody needs to hit me really hard. Preferably with a tree.

I think my blog has become derelict.

I'll work on that.

Archivalry

2006-04-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

Here I am, once again, finally back at school after my longer than expected hiatus...lying on my bed, looking out the window. Definitely a gloomy atmosphere in Brooklyn today, considering the sky is steel gray.

I left Philadelphia even though we hadn't completely finished moving. There was still stuff to be thrown in boxes around each room, and a couple larger things still to be taken somewhere to store. Thankfully, I think all of the cats were accounted for by the time I left. This was especially relieving, because only hours earlier, we couldn't find four of them, and there was literally no trace of them anywhere. Turns out the reason for that was that they hadn't actually gone anywhere - except underneath the floor. Pretty crazy.

I got the chance to work for Andy over last weekend, which was awesome. I didn't realize how much I missed those guys; Chris, Rob, and even Kenny. It's one group of guys that I always feel totally comfortable with. I never feel out of place or as if I'm being judged. Never. We're all just good friends, and we work really well together.

Saturday, I worked from 5 AM till 9 PM. The jobs consisted of two weddings, one at the Ritz and the other at the Four Seasons. Both pretty big jobs, and both calling for change-overs after their respective ceremonies. Now, to see the five of us in the Ritz and the Four Seasons would probably startle a good number of guests (should they see us, but they don't), because we really are the motliest looking crew. But the real kicker is seeing the motliest looking crew fluffing drape. Fuckin' right - we don't mess around. We are Grade A fluffers, and we take pride in our work. We also crack jokes and make other funnies across the room from time to time. The bottom line is that this is the best part time job I could ask for, at least for right now. I love doing it, I love working with those guys, and it hasn't gotten old yet. It's also pretty damn physical...my body still hurts. But that could also be from the move.

Agh. The move...

It's been incredibly hard on everyone involved, and even to some who aren't but are close to us. I feel horrible for leaving when I did, but I had to be back at school.

That might be all for right now. Of course, there's always everything that floats around in the back of my head. My friends, my loves, you know...

There's always so much more to say.

"I think you've gone over to the bad place."

2006-03-30T12:55:00.000-05:00

/dark sarcasm

I'm in one of those moods (?) where every five minutes seem to take two hours.

And every two hours feel a week long.

Web sites don't update fast enough. The news isn't new anymore. You don't know if AIM is playing tricks on you or not, but you haven't gotten IM'ed in years. Years.

Now, where did I put that girlfriend I don't have...

/end dark sarcasm

Just to clarify, this is all the result of no sleep last night and a growing headache. I'm really much happier in person. I think.

Sure I'm sure.

2006-03-30T06:04:00.000-05:00

Sonofabitch. Why am I still awake? Ugh.

I've had the flu for the past week. Another 'Ugh'. I'm pretty sure I'm on the downhill side of it now, but seriously, being sick is not fun. Playing hookey is fun. Being sick is just not.

Back to the question of why the hell I'm still awake...I still don't know, but now there's actual daylight coming through my window. This is bad. It certainly doesn't bode well for falling asleep later. I hate actually being sick.

As for the rest of me...well, it's become pretty clear that not only do I miss singing and acting, but I actually think about Hilltones and/or Chambers all the time. You wouldn't believe the thoughts in my head, but for some reason, I just don't think of them as being so crazy. For instance, I think about the recordings we made last year, and how I would have loved to do them properly. Sometimes I think we could still do it; sorta call everyone up and set a date or something. It's ridiculous, I think, but the idea keeps coming to mind. I would have loved to sing one more year with that group. If I had the chance, I'd sing with them right now. I listen to Off The Beat, or the GFS CD's and I have all these grand visions of singing again...

Once more it dawns on me (no pun intended, as the light in my room increases) how much I write about the past. I hate to admit it, but right now I feel like I've already seen my 'glory days' or prime or whatever you want to call it. I'm in a slump. The truth is that I'm not as happy right now as I was during high school. Pratt is a wonderful school, but It is strictly an art school and personally, I'm just not sure I feel like I belong there. On the other hand, I don't know where I belong. And while I haven't made a lot of really good friends up there, the few I have made mean a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn't know exactly what I wanted.

I would also be saying a lot more than I'd want to if I talked about that.

I'm sorry. I just...I just don't trust myself that often when I'm in these situations.

One thing I'm sure of - I'd audition for a group with Graceland.

Not much sense.

2006-03-27T22:16:00.000-05:00

I have, on average, fifty buddies online at any given time.

I talk to maybe ten of them.

AIM can be a very weird thing.

Which was nice.

2006-03-26T01:22:00.000-05:00

My list of awesomest concerts ever just got one show longer. Which is good, because on the whole, my spring break has been pretty uneventful. But this concert was awesome. I'm referring to the Off The Beat spring show, for those who weren't aware, and they just really fucking rock. And of course, the incredibly talented Deb was up there doing her thing and making it look so easy. This girl is the same girl that I sat in the audience with at our first Off The Beat show. This is the same girl who I got to sing with in Chamber Singers during my sophomore year. I acted on stage with this girl, and I hung out with her (still do, when I can) at the Pringles. So to have been able to watch her grow from a member of our high school a cappella group to a full fledged college a cappella goddess makes me feel beyond honored. It makes me smile big and wide and goofy every time I see her step out from that red curtain at the Anthropology Museum. When she takes the mic for her solo, I am already on my feet applauding. And I will always be waiting for her after the show. To be able to be there each time she does another show is so special. This one's for you, Deb. You're an inspiration. You...well, you just make me feel so lucky to be your friend. I will always be at your show. =)

So spring break was totally uneventful, in a certain sense. I won't lie, I had big expectations. I had people I wanted to see so badly, but it didn't happen. It sucked. Big time. I did get to spend the day at Springside their last day before break, and so I was able to see most of my friends who are still there. And that was good, it really was. I was very happy to see them, and we had a great time.

Part of what threw me off is that we are supposed to be out of Wood Norton by the 30th of March. So I came home to boxes and whole lot of packing. The real kicker though is that we don't have a house to move into yet. The house we thought we were going to is still being lived in by it's occupants, and since we never signed a contract with them, we technically have nothing. So my mom is moving in with my great aunt until we find a place, and everything that was at my mom's apartment is going into storage. It's so surreal for me...I haven't been here. I don't know how to help or deal with it. And when I come back from school the next time, I won't go home to that apartment ever again. That was my home after my parents divorced...that's where I've spent the most years of my life. And I'm not even going to be here when we move out? I feel so disconnected...

I guess it didn't really help that all my friends had break at different times than I did. I didn't get to see anyone. I think I put myself in the position where I'm taken for granted. People expect me to be here...and I always am. But there's another piece of the puzzle too - believe it or not, I have my own desires. I want to see certain people when I'm home. I think people assume that I'll just be there the next time they need me, and so it doesn't really matter when I want to see them or not. I'll see them on their own time, on their own terms...

The problem is that I will always be there. I'll be taken for granted. And I won't say a damn thing.

Anyway, I miss everyone. I hope I get to see you soon.

But it was a fucking awesome concert. Deb, I love you. You rock my world.

2006-03-13T10:26:00.000-05:00

I do not feel well. In the stomach area. Nauseous, if you will. Ick.

It messes everything up when people have spring break at completely different times. That's just no good. Mine's next week, but I don't think anyone else's is.

Emilie would kill me if she knew I wasn't in class right now. But in my defense, all of my teachers have said to stay in our rooms if we don't feel well.

Okay, I'm done for now.

Survey of Sleeping in Art History

2006-03-10T10:08:00.000-05:00

I think I might pass out from this class. I can't understand my professor. At all. Her accent is thickly Asian, and having a wireless internet connection is the only thing that's keeping me from jumping out the window. The lighting couldn't be more appropriate for a nap, and many are taking advantage of it. A couple others are watching [i]Dirty Dancing[/i], while another girl is editing something for 4D in Final Cut Express.

So I've decided to take advantage of the situation. I'm updating.

Yesterday I got the chance to go to the Natural History Museum with my drawing class, and it was awesome. The entire class spent the first hour we were there just walking around and trying to take it all in. We were also looking for the best exhibits to draw, and many were attracted to the full sized, stuffed African elephants and mammoth bones. I was intrigued by the mammoths myself, but there were already five or six people drawing them, and I didn't want to commit to that before looking through the rest of the museum. So I set off. I was determined to find something different to draw, but alas, I didn't find anything else as interesting as the mammoths. What I did find was a full size whale sculpture hanging from the ceiling of the Oceanic exhibit, a simulation of the 'Big Bang' laser light show, a café, two incredibly random wings of the museum that I ended up lost in, and after another hour or so, an excellent idea of what the museum had to offer and where.

No matter, though, because I found myself back at the mammoths. And it went pretty well, I think. A funny side story is that a few girls came up to me, only the didn't speak English very well. Spanish was their native tongue, and after a few translation attempts, it turned out they wanted to take a picture of my drawing. Take about an ego boost. I couldn't have asked for a better compliment. Some kid nabbed one of my eraser's though, the stupid git.

Other than that life is not that exciting. More so than this art history class, but not by all that much. "I need to dance! I want to ha cha cha!" That's a Marx Brother's quote.

Blaaaah.

Unexpected Arrival

2006-03-01T01:37:00.000-05:00

So I got this notification from Facebook the other day saying that Sara Heinze had just friended me. Now, I had just heard about Heather and Jon creating an account using some eight grader's email address, so it was totally within the realm of possibility that Sara had hijacked Kelsey's account and created her own. That is to say, I wouldn't have been surprised to hear that it had happened.

Imagine my surprise when I logged on to Facebook and had eight new friend requests. Damn. Probably the funniest thing is that only my brother was among them, not my sister. Thank god she isn't someone who's completely obsessed. Either that or she really just doesn't care if she's friends with me. I'm kind of a geek though, so I would completely understand it. I mean, I can touch type.

Just to clear up any rumors (and possible disappointment with regard to my lack of contact with anyone I would have liked to see) I did come home last weekend. It was a completely in the moment decision, made at 6:30 PM on Friday night. And so I hopped a 7:35 train and got into Philly around 9:00. It was the first time I had been home since I had gotten back to school, and I definitely needed the time to recuperate. Sometimes you just need to be able to have your own room for a couple nights. Privacy has the uncanny ability to disappear once you have a room-mate. Especially when you've lived so long with your own room.

So I came home on a whim, and it was great to just be there and not have to worry about anything. Home has sort of become a safe haven in a way. I think a couple people may be confused about my not coming to Players or showing my face anywhere, and the truth is that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I'm coming home again this coming weekend and I will be coming to Players then when I can actually spend some quality time there. I hate rushing in and out of a place I miss so much. It gives me such an empty feeling. Rest assured, though, I am coming back this weekend to see who I can. I think I confused Bob pretty thoroughly when I picked my sister up from Players, though. I'm not sure he believed it was actually me, or if he was a little put off that I didn't make a point to stop. Again, I will make big deals about this weekend.

It's my sister's 'Sweet 16' this Saturday. I'm really excited for her. How could I not be? Happy pre-birthday babe. =)

Steve sent me a link the other night to an open audition for the Hyannis Sound and their summer group. They weren't concerned with what school you were from, all they asked was that you be in college and willing to spend your early summer in Cape Cod. There website has all the details. Anyway, I fired off an email to their director, and let him know I was interested. I also mentioned that I had sung in high school and that I also had a thing for beat boxing. I wasn't really expecting anything back from him, so I was quite surprised to see an email the following day informing me that I had been added to the auditions list. The auditions, by the way, are in two weeks. I have no idea what I would sing. So I don't really know where this is going, if it's going anywhere. But it sounds like it could be fun. I'm also incredibly anxious to sing again...anywhere. I miss it so much...

I really prefer Coke over Pepsi. Pepsi is just so damn sweet...

Erm...well, a lot has happened in some other areas of my life. Kinda don't know what to say right now though. I don't really want to say anything because I'm so lost in some ways and right at home in others, so I guess I'm not really sure if I'm coming or going.

It's somewhat humorous because I realized I'm right at home with not knowing what's going on. =)

Crazy, right? Hell yes it is. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bad Timing

2006-02-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

For someone who spent so much time on stage, I have some of the worst real-life timing of anyone I know. My initiation of conversations and my advances towards the opposite sex are all so badly timed that you'd think I was actually trying not to get anything out of it. It's remarkable. It happens all the time.

For instance, if you're flirting with a girl and it seems like things are going well, don't change the direction of the conversation. Especially if you want to keep flirting with her. Don't break character.

My timing is also horrendous should I ever decide I'd want to try and initiate any sort of physicality with a girl. Granted, I've only done so a handful of times, but that's enough to prove a point. Somebody, somewhere, thought it'd be very funny if I was only good at keeping time when I sang, and in the rest of life I should just suck at it.

I also have a knack for realizing how fabulous a relationship with someone could be right when it's time for either her or both of us to leave for college.

Consequently, I keep my big fat mouth shut. That way I don't embarrass myself. Having that mindset however, makes progressing much harder.

So I'm learning, slowly. I want to make someone happy. I want to share that mutual feeling of wanting one another.

Yeah.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

All I'm going to say is that it's a good thing I like chocolate. And red.

That's all I'm going to say.

Here We Go...Again

2006-02-04T23:53:00.000-05:00

So...yeah, here I am. I haven't done this in a while...

I guess it's been one hell of a month. Between handling all that's going on at home, thinking about and then and coming back to school, and starting a new year, it's enough to make you either forget about or not desire updating a blog. I forget people read this. Really, I do.

And of all the nights to begin posting again, tonight is the annual A Cappella Fest at GFS. I think it's rather early this year. A cappella fest...dear god, I have so many memories...part of me wishes I was there right now (Although it's over at this point), but I think a bigger part of me knows how painful it would be to go back there and only be a part of the audience. I was in the audience once, but that was four years ago and I was watching my cousin perform in the Bufftones. So much has changed since then...

That was when the Bufftones and Double Treble still existed, and GFS A Cappella very much resembled the Hilltones and Laurelei. There were no outside groups in that show, either. The whole concert was organized and run by David Buffem (Sp?) and it was tradition that his group, the Vineyard Sound, be the guest performers. They were truly magnificant to watch, and I have the recordings from that show if anyone needs a reminder of how good they were.

But as always, times change, and the Vineyard Sound would only sing one song the following year. It was their last appearence at the Fest, and they opened the show with Good Ol' A Cappella. That was also the year that Off The Beat first performed, and they drove us wild. It was especially fun because Deb was still a part of Chamber Singers my first year in the group, and so Heather, Jeff, Doris, and I all got to see her go from one group to the other. It was a very inspiring change, and she became our idol for it. I can only imagine that by now she's probably had enough a cappella to last a life time.

I was also very surprised to learn that OTB wasn't performing at the Fest this year. It may have had something to do with there main connection to the group graduating from Penn, but I thought the relationship would have held. Well, as I said, times change.

Well, besides my deep love for the Fest, I will never forget what it felt like to step on stage there. I cannot say more about the experience, other than it is like nothing else I've ever felt before. Those who have been there know.

And last year's after party at Heather's was quite wonderful too, even if unexpected.

For now, at least, that's my spiel on A Cappella Fest. Anyone who wishes to talk about it further should know that I will never pass up the opportunity, all you have to do ask.

I haven't really talked to anyone lately. It's been ever so quiet on the friend front. Many are probably busy with school. Jeff has a show very soon if I'm not mistaken.

Okay, I'm beginning to ramble, and there's still so much to say about the move at my mother's and my new computers Maggie and Eloise. Also updates on school and such forth. I'll probably continue tomorrow.

I'm back.

Anniversary

2005-12-26T23:45:00.000-05:00

You won't believe it.

I sure as hell didn't.

And yet, believe it or not, it has been over a year since I started this blog. Hmm. Hmm, indeed.

It's been a year and a month, give or take.

Wait a second...

Oh, dear god. This can't be good.

I think I'm dating my blog.

Of Christmas Past

2005-12-26T01:30:00.000-05:00

The Christmas spirit in the United States begins the day after Thanksgiving. Personally, while I love Christmas, I think that's insane. Perhaps it's the massive amount of marketing that companies want to accomplish, maybe it's the huge shipments that stores have to sell, or I suppose it could be that many people are just willing to spend that much more money between the end of November and Christmas Eve. For whatever reason though, Christmas seems like forever in the coming, and it's always quite a shock to me when the whole thing is over in one day. It's worse than Players, where at least each production gets three nights! But Christmas brings together my families in ways no other holiday can, and I'm very grateful for it.

It's relatively early on the morning after Christmas and my sister is walking around talking to Elle on the phone while my brother shouts random things from his room. We've had a long, long day. Christmas is an annual obstacle course for the three of us, and this year was no different. The established system has worked well so far, and only time will tell if it stays this way.

Christmas Eve is spent at my mother's which means we wake up there on Christmas day. We go through the whole gift giving shenanigan with her alone. We then proceed by either having my grandmother, uncles, and other relatives join us, or joining them at my grandmother's house. We do all the hullaballoo over again with them. After having spent a good amount of time with my mother's side of the family, and once the conversation turns to politics, we very sneakily exit and go to my dad's house where we finally see my father. We hug, we dance, and we exchange more presents. Maybe we eat something, too. Mostly, we just sit back and relax because my dad's built a fire and there's music on in the background. It's not uncommon for a nap or two to occur. And this is generally a good idea, because the main event on my father's side of the family is the dinner we have with my grandmother, my aunts, and my cousins. This year was especially important because Phoebe and I were both back from our first semester's of college (she's at Skidmore), and we hadn't seen each other yet. But dinner is always a huge amount of fun and everyone is always so funny and there is so much to talk about and we never get tired of it. Basically, Christmas is awesome. The whole family is in rare form, and it becomes about something I cannot describe. It's a feeling between all of us. And it's never about the presents, it's about the company. Although there are some running joke presents that can spark hilarious outcomes.

I managed to make actual contact with only two friends, though. I played some text-tag with a few people (some I had no idea who they were...), but I actually caught Sara and Emilie when they could see their phones, and it was nice to share even a short yuletide moment with both of them. Sara and I had an entire ten minute competition for who could find the most outrageous word to describe just how amazing the ending of our conversation was. It was amazing. Sensational, even. Glorious, as it were. =) She's wonderful.

And I'm exhausted. I've recovered from the illness I endured for a lengthy twelve hours, so w00t.

So much to say and so little energy! Updates galore tomorrow!

But until then my loves, a very merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Christmas Eve Ailments

2005-12-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

So just when I thought I was that close to naturally being depressed about life, it turns out I was sick the entire damn time. Bah.

I can't ever recall having my body temperature fluctuate as quickly as it did last night. One minute I was sitting with my head in my hands and the sweat dripping onto the floor from my forehead, and three minutes later, I was on the floor shivering. My entire body ached. I didn't want to move, and I didn't want to feel like I did anymore.

Turns out the entire thing was because of a stomach bug that seems to be going around, one that makes you feel nausea through both sharp and dull pains. I was afraid to eat or drink anything the entire night and into the next morning because I wouldn't have been able to keep it down. I didn't throw up, but I'm pretty sure I was close a few times.

As per usual, I was quarantined to my bed, where the only person I saw throughout the entire endeavor was my mother, who brought me sympathetic groans, pillows, liquids, and advil every so often. I have a bathroom right off my room at my moms, which meant that I ended up only leaving my general room area once - to take a bath. Otherwise I was sleeping or trying to get comfortable.

The bottom line is that I haven't done anything for Christmas Eve. I haven't seen my dad yet, and my brother and sister have both been with him since yesterday. I feel much better than I did when things were at their worst, but I still feel achy and a little nauseous in the tummy so eating anything really substantial isn't an option quite yet.

So I'm sick on Christmas Eve. Probably what I deserve after those two fairly grim and angry posts, I owe my blog an apology. I have a rather obvious tendency to act a certain way or say something on a subject that is too raw. Sure, gut reactions are important, but often tend to be greatly exaggerated. Damn hyperbole. So I apologize to my blog and it's readers. I'm sorry. I thought that those posts would make me feel better about things, but I was definately wrong. In fact, I felt worse.

For what it's worth, hopefully only happy stories are to come from my keyboard in the following entries.

Wait for it...tummyache.

After Careful Review...

2005-12-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

I'll leave the post I made last night up, because I think it's important to acknoledge feelings right when they're felt, but I very seriously considered taking it down. Instead, I'll offer up the advice that even if I can't manage to do it myself all that often, taking chances sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

I obviously push the limits in many areas of life, and I tend to bend the rules to almost breaking point on a daily basis by some standards, but when it comes to women, I run and hide. So guys, take it from me; just do it. You may end up the happiest guy in the world. And as so many people have pointed out to me, the worst she can say is 'no'. You can say its hypocritical of me all you want, but it's the truth.

So last night's post was typed with me feeling rather bitter about life. Having said that, most of it stands. I wasn't happy after I left, but I'm not sure what I was feeling either.

The comments I made towards myself were a little disturbing, but I suppose they were warrented too. They point back towards that point I made at the beginning of this post.

I guess this post is sort of a segway into last night's. I dunno.

At least it reads somewhat more sane.

Out of the Question

2005-12-23T01:28:00.000-05:00

You don't want to read this, I promise. It's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be nice, I'm not having a good night. After saying that I guess I should probably expect anyone who's reading this to read it all faster. Funny how things work out like that.

So anyway, I am once more frustrated (sort of becoming a pattern, isn't it?), and I'm lucky enough to have a place that can't say anything back to me when I bitch. So thank you blog, and deal with it. Harsh words may be used, but I don't really care.

Tonight was supposed to be perfect. I was clean shaven, I thought I looked pretty good, and everything seemed to be in place. I was going to be with my friends, one of whom I hadn't seen since August. Yeah, she was going to be there. I wouldn't let myself believe it until I finally saw her, and when I did...well, there were truly no words.

But I was so unhappy when I left Maggie's tonight. I was sad, and I was furious with myself. Nothing had gone the way I wanted it to. And I had no one to blame but myself.

I had listened much more than I talked, and I saw how happy everyone was at their schools away from home. They loved where they were, they loved what they were doing, and they felt like things were right. If nothing else, I realized just how mediocre my feelings towards Pratt really are. I am not happy there like my friends are at their schools, not by a long shot. My heart is not in it. Maybe I should never have gone to college...I don't know what I would have done, though. Probably stayed in Philly, just thinking about my friends every day.

But that's what I do anyway...

I'm not living in the past, really, I'm not. It's just that I'm not moving forward in the same direction as everyone else seems to be. I'm moving forward, but I'm doing so with the same friends as before. It was one night, the first in almost six months since all of us had been together, and I felt closer to them than I did with almost anyone at Pratt. Sitting with them tonight, I wondered if they each had a group of people at school where the same sort of feeling was present as it was when we were all together. I don't.

------

I'm such an idiot. I really am. You don't wait this long to say something, you know? Of course, this is about par for the course with me. I'm such a fucking moron. Maybe you should act how you feel and forget about what the rest of the world thinks for once, jackass. You know what you want, don't you

Yes...

Then there's no excuse. Maybe try and say out loud what you've typed out a hundred times. Maybe actually act on things.

------

For those who are reading this, don't feel sorry for me. I'm writing this because it's the truth, and most of it's been happening for a while, even if I didn't want to admit it. I don't know what else to say.

I know want I want, but it's impossible to think of it as realistic anymore. It was, once upon a time, but like so many things before, I watched it pass me by.

What's wrong with me?

If you could see me...

2005-12-19T00:39:00.000-05:00

If you knew what I looked like right now, you'd probably run away from your computer monitor screaming.

It's that scary.

Damnit

2005-12-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

I just had this whole post typed out and my browser crashed. Lost the whole damn thing.

In retrospect, I hate who I've sometimes been and what I've sometimes done.

It usually happens about five seconds after I've done something I realize I should have handled differently.

Like about ten minutes ago. I know I've said it a million times, but I wish I was a different person sometimes. Or I wish I didn't care about some things or some people like I do. It's not fair, they don't feel the same way about me. Perhaps it's to strong a word, but am I suffering? It's just that I feel like I'm not in control of my own feelings. And even when I hate the way someone acts or behaves or lives their life now, I can't turn my back to them.

Sorry, I'm tired and ranting and I've worked about 20 of the past 36 hours, so you have to take it all with a grain of salt. I'm just frustrated.

A Most Important Past

2005-12-11T02:52:00.000-05:00

I'm so torn. I've just gotten home from the official Players cast party and I guess I'm just completely lost and confused. It was so wonderful to come back and see these people that I loved so much. I was so happy to see them too, but I was totally unprepared for how excited they were to see me. I was caught off guard.

Bob asked me to sing with the Hilltones on saturday night. Of course I did, but what I didn't get a chance to tell him was how much it meant to me. It made my night, it really did. I knew I missed singing, but I never knew how much. It was a moment of pure bliss, a moment I hadn't dared myself to dream about.

Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I have graduated.

I just don't want to let these people out of my lives. Ever. I've got severe long term separation anxiety. The translation is that I don't let people out of my life. I can't. I never want to forget someone, and I will sometimes go to very silly extremes in order to make sure they stay in my life. It's probably the only thing still affecting me from my parents divorce, and I've basically accepted it's not going to go away any time soon.

And so where am I? I'm not in high school anymore, and if I was going to be honest, there's no way all of me is in college. I'm in a very weird limbo. I'm torn.

How amazing was it to come back? I can't even begin to explain all of it. However, there were a couple things that just made my weekend. Any Players that read this blog and weren't mentioned (Hannah, Elle, Lina, etc.) don't think for even a moment that seeing you wasn't wonderful, because it was. I was just surprised by some things too.

I had the pleasure of working with Maeve Koch for the first time in Patience, but hardly ever had any contact with her until much later. In her sophemore year, she was elected to Players board and I guess it was around then and the start of working on Laramie that I spent any real time with her. Now you have to understand, Maeve is not just cool, she's fucking awesome. And then there's that minor thing where I found her to be one of the most attractive girls I'd ever seen. I don't think I ever told anyone about that. Jeff and I would look at each other and be thinking the same thing, but it was never anything real.

I guess it happened gradually, and it was probably because every other guy was doing it too, but I did flirt a lot with Maeve. I'm not sure it was ever real because she was flirting with everyone, and was mostly surrounded by the likes of Kevin Brewster and Danny Cortés, but it was so much fun. It was always so fun. She is so cool and sexy but also aware of what's going on.

But that was it. The friendship was limited to Players. I never hung out with her outside of rehearsals or cast parties. She was without a doubt one of the most talented actors of the group, though. God, she is so good. In Museum? In Alice? And now in High Society? She just knows what she's doing and has no shame or fear. And she can do comedy so well. She's just so on the ball, you know? What else can I say?

Well, you can't imagine how shocked I was when multiple Players came up to me and told me how much Maeve had said she missed me. I was floored. I don't think I believed it until I actually saw her during the intermission for the friday night show. She ran toward me, I shouted her name, and then it was as if we had been best friends. Huge hugs, huge smiles, and it was then that I realized how much I actually missed her too. I felt that way about so many of the people I saw in the green room, and adding Maeve to the list didn't make it easier to go back to my seat for the second act. The thing was, I was so happy to see her too. She looked like she was doing better than ever, and her acting was phenomenal. I loved seeing her, I absolutely loved it. It felt so good.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I wish I was able to go back and spend more time getting to know her, being her friend, and acting with her. She is so damn good.

And I wish I had gotten to act with Sara Heinze more too. Hell, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her in general. There's something about those two sisters that I don't know how to say. They are so dear to me, I don't know how else to say it. I love them so much, and I miss them. I wish I had them both in my life every day.

I'm tired and confused. There's a very good chance I'll come back to this in the morning and have no idea what I wrote or why I wrote it. But all of it's fresh, not even two hours old. Sometimes it's better to get it all out before stopping to think about it.

Oh, and Boat couldn't make it up are entirely ice covered driveway. She's sitting at the entrance to it, blocking anyone from going in or out. There was nothing I could do, I swear. I tried a whole slew of things too.

Snippets

2005-12-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

I have always been a people watcher. this was probably one of the first qualities I recognized in myself - basically, it always seems like i'm paying attention to the wrong person. you may have noticed, especially if you happen to catch a glimpse of me during a movie, concert, speech, or play. It's probably the most obvious when I'm watching a movie I'm not particularly into or have seen a dozen times before because I'll become much more interested in what how other people are watching it. it's just more interesting to me, to see how another person reacts to something, even more so when there's multiple people. And with speeches I usually find myself much more curious in how others are hearing the same words, enough so that I'll find I'm looking at anyone but the speaker.

What originally made me think of this was my remembering of all the different speeches given during my time with Players. Whenever Mr. vR, Mr. Smith, or Rob spoke before a show or at the cast party, the room would go silent, the side chatter disappeared, and everyone would give them their full attention. Often, some of my best friends in Players would react more emotionally to their words and this would always draw my attention. At other times, I would catch the eye of someone who knew exactly what I was thinking, or felt the exact same way about where we were, and a knowing nod was exchanged. Silent, but with all of the same meaning as trying to say it.

I think it's incredible how much meaning can be expressed without saying a word. I think some of the most remarkable conveyances of feeling for me have been completely silent, just by using eye contact and touch. I feel like I can really relate to someone who doesn't start to freak out if we've just been sitting in silence for however long. You know those people who start to get anxious or worried if nobody has said anything for a little while? I also find it incredible when someone can stare at me and not get weirded out by it. Not many people can.

Now on to more recent events. This is going to seem like a major step back in time, but I haven't had the chance to talk about it yet.

A while back I went to Cabaret and it was weird. I was in the audience (first row, thank you very much), I was watching my old a cappella group practice before the show, and I desperately wanted to go up and sing with them again. Maybe I still feel like we got robbed when we didn't get our May concert last year, maybe I just miss the whole feeling of singing and being a part of a group that much. I think it's probably more of the latter, but regardless, I was jealous.

But I saw people at Cabaret too! Wyn and Maggie and Jake and Steve were there, and it was amazing to see them! Everyone's doing so well. Maggie looks incredible, and she was so much fun to see again. I miss her terribly now, but I'm really happy she's doing so well. And then over thanksgiving break I finally got to see Jeff, and the man looks damn good. He's an actor. He's going to be famous. He looks older and that much more aware of things. But he looks good. I wish we had more time, but he needed his time with Veronica too, and I completely understand that.

Heather's is always a fabulous time, and I love Art and Sue so much. And then there's Elle, Lina, Hannah and in a separate catagory, Sara. I'm so glad that we are still as close as we are, and that it's never weird to see them again. We take our friends for granted and when we leave, we should never expect things to be even remotely the same when we come back. These four have been in another league though, and instead I jump up and run to see them each time. I feel like I have a connection with Sara that I don't have with anyone else right now. Sorta hard to explain. She's just an awesome, amazing person.

I still haven't seen Kelsey Heinze though. This is a major problem. Big, huge, catastrophic, cataclysmic even. It's just wrong. I'm going to see her during the weekend of the Players show, but dear god, it's been so long and it's so not fair. I'm going through serious withdraw and it's taking it's toll. I can't even explain the effects to anyone, they're too horrific to mention. I'm so fucking excited to finally see her.

The truth be told, I haven't finished my letter to Players yet. I've started about three of them, and each one is completely different. I remember the presidents having to skim through certain letters because they were too long, so I don't want that to happen, I just need to finish one. Have no fear, it'll be done. I just need to think about it...

Went to the Off the Beat show, picked up their new CD, already have it memorized. 'Nuff said. It's different from their past releases in a couple ways. It's not nearly as "loud" or "harsh" sounding. But they're gods. Deb is out of this world.

If a lot of these snippets seem random...they kinda are. I have so much I feel I need to recap on, plus all the thoughts running through my head. I think part of me feels like if I finally get some of these out I'll have some more room to think about things and expand on them. I really need to finish that Players letter.

And there's always more to say. I don't know how I'll ever truly catch up but this feels like a step in the right direction. I'll have a lot more free time soon enough, but finals are right around the corner and while I'm not exactly working myself to the bone, I'll be more busy than before. Break is in a week and a half, and then I'm scott free to write without any hesitation. Until then...keep commenting. =)

Updation

2005-11-29T23:54:00.000-05:00

I'm dreadfully sorry about this inexcusable delay between posts. I developed a sort of complex about the whole writing phenomena, and it completely trounced any efforts I made to try and write again. I told my father that as soon as someone is told they're wonderful at doing something, they immedietly cease to see the point in doing it anymore. I was being complimented left and right for the words I'd written in this diary, and I hate compliments. Well...not really, I just don't take them very well in front of other people, especially when I don't have something to compliment them back on right away. Some part of me hates to be better than someone else when there is no competition involved. It comes out more when I'm being told how well I've acted or sung or written. I don't know what to say about it. As for the comments about how well this is written...it's just the way I write. After my senior speech I heard someone say that hearing it was like being in a conversation that you didn't have to speak during. Perhaps he meant that I was writing both sides of it, I honestly don't know, but for some reason that seems like the most apt way to describe my writing style. I just really liked the way it sounded.

I've come to think that I am a particularly difficult person. Exceptionally difficult, in fact. I'm not sure that this is the first characteristic that comes to people's minds, but I'm almost positive of it. I think a lot of the time it comes off as frustrating for those around me and I appologize if that has been the case. I know for certain of a few who have seen this to be true, even if not all the time. If you were to ask my mother, my father, either of my siblings, my ex girlfriend, and a few of my closer friends, they would undoubtably agree.

Or maybe I'm just lazy...quite possible, and there's definately evidence to back it up. But I really feel as though i drive people crazy sometimes. Especially my teachers...oy. Apparently I don't live up to my potential, or something or another. They get particularly frustrated when I fail to keep up an enthusiasm for the homework they assign but manage to do so well during class. It's not my intention to do so well in class but completely disregard or simply forget the homework, it really isn't.

I just don't care.

Being in class is completely different. There I'm without a doubt at the top of my game. This doesn't really help the situation, however, because contrary to what you might think, when I do so well in class and then fail to keep my homework at that level, my teachers get frustrated with me. Really frustrated, or so it seems.

Enough about that, for now. I've just finished the Players poster for "High Society." I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it felt to watch Photoshop start up again. I lavished in the incredibly powerful capabilities of that software and it was pure bliss. I truly take after my mother in this regard, I am a digital art junkie. Speaking of Players, I've only got about a week to finish my letter to the cast and crew if I want it to be read on opening night. I'm really trying not to be cliché with mine - I really want people to smile and think when they hear what I have to say. I won't lie, it's ridiculously hard to write. But hopefully it will mean that much more when it's read.

This is a minor update. I promise to update more tomorrow, probably some horrendously long post that you won't finish reading until the end of the year. Think of this as the preview...

I miss you.

Melodramatic Mood Swingers

2005-10-31T18:55:00.000-05:00

It is sometimes very difficult to accept the difference between the way that we think things should work out as opposed to the way that they do in real life.

I remember in high school when my friends would be having their respective issues with girls or boys, and telling them not to worry, because they were fabulous, they were wonderful, and that I thought it was quite baffling that they were having any troubles at all. I really did think that anyone who had a chance with one of the girls I was close with in high school would be absolutely crazy not to take it. They'd have to be insane. It was inconceivable.

And I believed what I was saying.

However, there's a flip side to all of this, and that's how the person who's telling all of this feels. This is sort of a response to all the comments on my last post, and they were wonderful and amazing and of course they will make me feel better...

But what it came down to in high school and what it still comes down to today, is that the person you are trying to make feel better about themself is only looking to hear those things from one person. When all you want is for someone to want you back and they don't, it's very hard to hear all the wonderful things your friends have to say about you. All you can focus on is how that one person doesn't want you.

And it's maddening.

You could have the person of your dreams, someone willing to give you the world, sitting right next to you, and it wouldn't matter in the slightest...your attention is elsewhere.

Granted, this is not a universal truth. But it does seem to happen a lot. Kinda like in "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton." 'Cause Topher Grace is the man.

Wherefore art thou? Or perhaps I know exactly where you are.

Crikey.

Girls, Girls, Girls

2005-10-27T22:22:00.000-05:00

Alright ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Over the past few days there's been some significant realizations I've had about girls, and until now I've been somewhat dodgy when it comes to answering people's questions about what's exactly going through my mind. Not anymore. I'm laying it all down. Strap yourselves in, this could get ugly.

First, I just need to lay something on the line. I realized something during my midterms here that I hadn't thought about in a really long time, but that really makes a lot of sense. I was thinking about the amount of work here, and how some people are so motivated to really get through all of it, but also find joy in accomplishing each assignment, whereas I just sorta sit there and stare at them. For some reason I flashed back to junior year. I mean, for some reason, CHA decided to award me as the most improved junior out of my entire class. Something was different that year...and I couldn't put my finger on it right away. The fact of the matter is that I was happier than I had ever been. I was in a relationship that changed my life. No, it wasn't perfect, but I had never learned so much and been so happy. She was there, she was in my life and having her was just magical. Being in love is indescribable, and just thinking about her made life better. Life became more that much more important because she was there, and so did doing my work. We could work together, or I would work so that I could see her. It will sound cliché and stupid, but I wanted to do better for her. It sounds life altering, but it really was. It was the most important thing in my life, being with her. It's how it was, plain and simple.

I don't have that in my life right now, being single. But it's true that when you're with someone else, it's not just about you anymore. It's about both of you, and I was really motivated to do better for myself when I was with someone else. Needless to say, I want to feel that again.

Now let's talk details. I know that's what's gotten you through this far, so I'm caving. As of now, there are three girls here that I consistently find myself wishing I was spending more time with. I'm being brave and using names...sometimes, I wish I knew exactly who reads this...

The first is Leila, from my english and drawing classes. Since I've gotten here she is without a doubt the most beautiful girl I've seen. I met her when I was registering for classes, and could only pray to god that she wasn't a fashion major. We basically introduced ourselves, and then went our separate ways. I damn near had a heart attack when I walked into both my english and drawing classes. There she was...and since then, we've become pretty close. I know some of you are saying, "What are you waiting for, idiot!?!". Well, she has a boyfriend of over a year and he's not that far away. Also, she lives off campus, so it's not exactly convenient to just nip out and see her whenever I want. However, she has become a great friend and has resorted to pointing out every girl she sees and telling me to go tap that. She's really fun and it just makes it harder. Bah.

Second we have Ariel (Yes, like the Little Mermaid). She's from California. I met her through orientation, as we were in the same group. She's really great and basically there's nothing holding me back (I'll get to that later...) except for a couple key points. One is that I hardly EVER see her. Different dorm, not a single class together, and she's always very busy with something or another. I usually catch her in the hall and we'll get a brief second to say hi, but basically that's it. My roommate, the lucky fuck, has his three main classes with her. I offered to trade schedules with him, but he wouldn't have it. Bastard.

Lastly, there's this girl Michala. I met her when a bunch of us were waiting outside to get into a restaurant and she walked up with her roommate asking how long the wait was. She ranks just under Leila as the most attractive girl I've seen since I've been here. She's an interior design major, and very nice, but also incredibly sexy, regardless of whether she means to be or not. The problem? I see her less than I see Ariel, and she lives in the same building as me. Also, when it comes to her, I get incredibly shy. Dunno, she's just so...I don't know.

Yeah...I'm shy, another problem.

Apparently, the freshmen class at Pratt is divided so that something like 65-70% is female. To make matters more interesting, there are 39 males in my dorm. My dorm has 5 floors with at least 30 students on each, so right off the bat it's logical to think that things are looking up. Unfortunately, logic fails. As for other girls...the first thing I had to come to grips with is that no matter how hard the work load is, this is an ART SCHOOL. I know, shocking, right? How does this translate into anything remotely involving relationships? I'll tell you. Naturally, the first thing that grabs someone's attention is how attractive they find another person. Having attended Pratt for a couple months now, I have discovered that many more than half the girls I here are very, very creative in the way that they choose to...ahem...display themselves. And not in very flattering ways. At all. Ever.

Almost every single person here is pierced in some way, many multiple times in multiple places. Lips, eyes, noses, tongues, belly buttons, you name it they've done it. And then there's the hair...oh dear god the hair. Purple, orange, green, red, pink, gradient style, it's all here. Mohawks, spikes, emo, everything, it's all here. And the clothing can't be described. You have to see it to believe it.

There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, it's fucking awesome to be able to look around campus and just marvel at the individuality of everyone. It's shocking, but it's so cool. The place just oozes diversity and culture. In fact, there's only one problem I've found so far - I find many of those things to be unattractive. Turn-offs, if you will. Another issue that you find yourself just learning to deal with is that EVERYONE smokes. It should practically be on the application. I haven't really told anyone here yet, but smoking is a huge turn-off. It's just gross...

I guess that sums up the situation right now...well...almost. And yet...certain things you have to keep to yourself. It's funny, actually, that I can talk to people at Pratt about all the things I can't say on this blog, because they don't really know what it means. I guess I don't even know what it means. I'm not trying to be difficult, or draw attention to the information that won't be posted, but it's important to acknowledge that this isn't it, that I do think about others. It's one of those things that feels so right, and I love her so much, and...well, what can I say? I know, I'm frustrating, I'm sorry.

And I love you all, and continue to think about you every day. I can't wait to see any of you, I'm counting down the days. =)

Rest in Peace

2005-10-25T17:06:00.000-05:00

Rosa Parks, 1913 - 2005.

Thank you.

No Comment

2005-10-24T22:52:00.000-05:00

Someday I will tell you how much I love you.

New York Pigeons

2005-10-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

I really am going to try and update more. Some part of me is always very reluctant to actually sit down and start typing, but as with most things I do, once I get started it's go time.

It's absolutely pouring here. Again. Seriously, do we need all this rain? I'm skeptical. Especially at this school, where no matter what the weather is, the sprinklers turn on. There could be a hurricane right on top of Pratt, and the sprinklers would still turn on. The flowers could be dead, the grass completely torn away by torrential downpours, and the sprinklers would never cease to do their duty. We could come to a day where there wasn't enough water to run the water fountains, take a shower, or go to the bathroom, but the sprinklers would still come on. They are a constant in my life. Whenever I need reassurance as to why I have to do something each day, I look to my sprinklers. The best part is that when they aren't on, they disappear into the ground without a trace, so no one knows where they are. Tricky little bastards.

And then we have the pigeons. New York pigeons may be the one species on Earth that isn't afraid of anything. They've seen it all, for sure. And the one thing they convey the best? They couldn't give a flying fuck about you and where you're walking. A Mac truck could be hurdling at a New York pigeon at sixty miles per hour with no sign of stopping, and it would just stand right in the middle of the road and say, "Fuck you, bitch. Watch where I'm walking." Actually, they say that to everyone.

The weekend of November the fifth is turning into the busiest weekend an ex-Hilltone, Off the Beat-obsessed, best-friend-oriented person could have realized. Not only does Jeff's show fall on that Friday and Saturday, the Off the Beat concert follows the same pattern, and Cabaret is that Saturday as well. It's not really a complicated situation, as there's no way I'm missing Jeff's show, it's just a damn shame they all fall on the same weekend. I may try and scoot down to Philly that Friday for the Off the Beat show, and be crazy and take a train to Boston the next morning. Cabaret, I love you dearly, and Chamber Singers knows they mean the world to me, but I will see you soon. If not at the Winter Concert, then A Cappella Fest. That being said, I'm going to Boston to see my best friend in his first college production. An interesting bit of trivia...our beloved director Mr. vR played the exact role Jeff is taking on when he was in one of his first productions. Jeff, if it's any sign, you're on your way man! I can't wait to see the show!

For those who were wondering, it's still raining.

I pulled my neck out this past weekend. That was no fun. Big big ouch. It's finally starting to return to normal and I have regained most of the rotating movement in my neck, but damn, that really hurt.

And now the usual spiel. I miss everyone. Everytime I read a comment, see someone online, click on a Facebook or MySpace link...I'm thinking about all of you. I wasn't able to send any work to anyone because they told me to keep it for midterm reviews, but they're over now, and I'd love to give anyone some of my work if they want it. So here's to Jeff and Jon, my dearest Kelsey and Heather, Maggie, and Mads. Here's to Hannah, Ellie, and Lina - the best trollers that ever were. Andrew, fix your computer. Steve, I think you're always the first to read each update. Jon, I hope your games come soon. And here's to my family; thank you for putting up with me so far, and I hope you continue to read my various thoughts and feelings.

And to you too. And you. Oh, and you. Well...actually, not you.

=)

I think, therefore I am

2005-10-17T23:29:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in English. It was pretty normal I guess, everyone was present and Mr. Stevens was enjoying not having to deal with any of the sophomores, freshmen, or juniors as his last class of the day. We may have just finished Memento, but I'm honestly not sure. Mr. Stevens said that we were leaving for college soon, and that we'd better realize it. It was going to mark a huge change for us. He said that all of us fell into three catagories; some couldn't wait to get as far away from Philadelphia as possible, some didn't know how they felt, and probably very few of us were content with the way their life was at the present time. He said it was supposed to be like this, we were supposed to feel that way, because we were teenagers and it was the time in a person's life when they are supposed to be going out on their own.

If anyone has had Philip Stevens as their teacher (I've been lucky enough to have had him twice), you will undoubtably feel as though he is one of the smartest men you have ever met. And not snobby smart, not by any means. I'm talking about pure, intellectually driven genius. He is a master of logic, and he should be teaching AP English at any Ivy League school. He's so much more brilliant than any of my Professors here, and for those of you still at CHA, treasure your time with him. You will miss it.

And what Mr. Stevens said about how we felt was right on the money.

Unfortunately, I was one of the very few that was actually content with my life. Since coming to Pratt, I've been living without the two aspects of my life that got me through highschool, namely acting (through Players), and singing (Hilltones/Chamber Singers). Who am I kidding? I'm a performer. I'm an artist, no doubt, but I'm an artist of multiple mediums. And I'm realizing more and more how much of a thesbian I truly was and want to be. I'm an actor, a man of the stage, and living without it only serves for me to realize how much it actually meant.

And singing! And music...I don't want to live without these things in my life. They are essential, you know? They are critical. It was a therapy for me. It didn't matter if I was good or not, it wasn't about that. It was about enjoying what I was a part of, it was about the process of learning a piece of music or creating a character to play a role. And it changed, too. You move from one piece of music to the next, you assume the role of a different character.

I could still go on stage right now and sing my part for any of the songs I learned in Hilltones and Chamber Singers. I could still play the role of any character I've played in Players at this moment. These things are what completed my life...and I was happy. I think I could have continued to sing with Hilltones and acted with Players for a few more years without having the slightest doubt about it. Maybe it's because I still felt I had so much to learn. From my friends, my directors, and myself.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a character. But you also know that I am not only one either.

In other news, I have midterms this week. I have to meet with most of my teachers individually and review every single piece of work we've done so far this semester as to assess my progress. Woo. Let's hope I can find all of it.

And I miss everyone. I'm doing well, but that doesn't mean I don't think about all of you every single day that I'm here. =)

I See

2005-10-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm a man of the theatre.

And how I miss it so.

Will update later, I promise.

Fun

2005-10-02T18:27:00.000-05:00

"This may be the best run organization in the NFL." - Joe Buck on my Eagles.

BAM. I love watching them kick so much ass from another city.

I'll update soon.

Archivalry

2005-09-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

It's okay, my roommate came back and now we're watching game shows on GSN. And I didn't have any classes today so it was not so hot 'cause I was all alone all day.

But I'm better now.

Weird

2005-09-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

So I'm back at school after a weekend at home and I feel...weird. I dunno, it's probably just some stupid thing, I've only been here since this morning after all, but still, things just don't feel the same.

I miss home.

And even though getting on the train and coming back was a lot easier this time than earlier, I still feel like there were things I didn't get to do. Unfinished business, you know? And I miss the way life used to be. I was really happy in high school. I was really happy with the people there too. There were so many things I loved to do, and I don't have a lot of that here. I dunno...

I just miss home.

2005-09-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

So classes classes classes. Wow. They are really something else. It's actually incredibly odd to think about at first, because if I get bored, it's not weird if I start to draw - everyone else is already doing it! And in my general figure drawing class, it's just kinda out of the question. So it got some serious taking used to.

My classes consist of general figure drawing, three dimensional, four dimensional, history of art, light color design, and english courses.

My 3-D teacher is completely out of his mind. Let me share some writing I did while sitting in one of my first classes with him.

And I quote, "So I'm sitting here in one of my first 3-D classes and it's so hot that I'm wetter now than when I was in the shower this morning. My teacher has said more about the fourth dimension than any other, but right now he's focusing more the philosophy of the ENTIRE WORLD. We've heard more about Plato and Sophecles this morning than the actual class at hand. Dear god it's hot. I'm having trouble holding myself together and melting away. I can't remember who I am. Time is nonexistent. Ideas about ideas combined with more self reflexive terms. Something about lines and cubes and arrows. Judgement? Knowledge? The abstract? We're just small confused children without air conditioning! We need air! Not a philosophy lesson. The water in front of me that once so cold and wonderful has given up its crusade against the humidity and heat."

The man is certifiably insane. And he's slowly driving me closer to the brink myself.

I'm really going to try and waive my 4=D class, 'cause I kind of already know everything we're doing. We'll see how that goes...

English is basically a philosophy course with an artistic aim to it. So far, we haven't accomplished much. Our teacher keeps trying to get us to define such abstract things and pretty soon two people are in an arguement. I try to keep myself in an open frame of mind, but every time I tell myself to keep a vow of silence for one class, someone says something so blatently wrong or insane that I have to make some comment. I'm trying, I really am.

Drawing is fabulous. I'll show you my work, and you'll see. My teacher is a god. She's really just awesome.

History of art? Boring. Not much to say here, we sit through three hours of slides a week, and then we get to go.

Light color design is impossible to explain. Fuck color-aid. That's all you need to know.

And women? Hmm...

Keep in mind I haven't much to deal with in terms of the female sex, because so many of them are in relationships! I know, it sounds crazy, but it's completely true. Having said that, here are some that always catch my eye.

A girl in my drawing and english class is without a doubt the most beautiful I've seen since I got here. And I've actually gotten the chance to talk to her and ask her about herself somewhat and find out just a little bit more about her. She doesn't live on campus, however, so that just sucks. But she has a twin sister. And there are also these two girls that are roommates downstairs, and they're, well...pretty damned amazing themselves. Just gorgeous, really. The only problem is I don't have either of them in any of my classes so it makes things that much more difficult. And then right down the hall from me there are a few classy ladies that are a lot of fun to hang out with, but I only find myself attracted to one of them.

Names you say? Later, mayhaps. =)

And lastly, I'm going home tomorrow for the weekend. A bunch of us are, including a good number of my best friends, and so I have some people I need to see and catch up with.

Questions? Comments? Opposing points of view?

I didn't think so.

=)

If you actually do have some, comment. Or call me. Or IM me. Just do something, okay? Good.

Question

2005-09-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, quick question for the ladies.

WHAT IS WITH THE BIG SUNGLASSES?

Seriously, what's the deal? They're not attractive. We can't see your face.

All I want is an explanation.

Mud Wrestling

2005-09-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

So it feels like forever and a day since my last post. I'm really am sorry I haven't been able to update more often...I'm still working on organizing my time and figuring out how best to do certain assignments and whatnot.

So time for a great story. Last night while getting some excellent mexican across the street, the clouds turned black and it began to simply pour on me, Em, and Brit. Thankfully they had umbrellas over the tables but it truly didn't matter because we had to walk back to the dorms anyway. So we stomp back to the dorm (Stabile) soaking wet and Em promptly has a brilliant but also slightly crazy idea.

We should mud wrestle.

She also happens to know exactly where to go to do said mud wrestling. Next thing you know she's called up about half a dozen others and I've changed into what I assume is appropriate mud wrestling attire (dirty shorts, wet t-shirt) and we all run to the lawn outside the Engineering Building.

And then it starts.

Basically you couldn't recognize anyone after about five minutes or so. We were all filthy, and loving it. We were tackling each other, dragging each other across the lawn, throwing globs of muck all around, and basically just having an awesome time.

Now it had stopped raining by this point so when you got dirty, you stayed dirty. My roommate went out with a white shirt and came back with a brown one. Em was by far the dirtiest, but we were all pretty gross. It was then that we realized we needed someplace to wash ourselves off before attempting to go back to the dorm. Great timing, right? Luckily for us, there was an answer literally popping out of the ground.

Sprinklers. =)

Personally I'd have thought they wouldn't come on right after it had poured so hard, but they did, and we were all the more grateful for it. So we ran for them and if you had happened to walk past the lawn at that moment, you would have seen maybe ten or so college freshmen standing, squatting, bending over, and doing anything else over about six different sprinklers to get all the mud off of themselves. It was just so fabulous. Not everyone was able to get all the mud off but it was an excellent solution.

Then we trekked back to Stabile and made our way inside towards the elevators, leaving a wet and muddy trail behind us. We crowded in and my roommate and I completely forgot to push the second floor button, so we went up to the third with the rest of our party. We bid them farewell, pressed the second floor button, and watched the doors close. This is where the story takes a turn for the funnier.

The elevator shut down.

It wouldn't move, the doors wouldn't open, it just stopped dead. And so there we were, two guys, soaking wet, covered in mud, shirtless, stuck in a stopped elevator. We were forced to call security using the in-elevator emergency intercom, and after waiting about fifteen minutes, the elevator moved down to the second floor, the doors opened, and after thanking the RA's who had come to watch and the elevator guy who had helped us out, two wet guys walked back to their room. We weren't really freaked out as much as worrried they were going to be mad at us because of the mud...still, it was my first time being stuck in an elevator. There's a first time for everything, I guess.

We decided to take the rest of the night easy and watch some TV.

We'll be taking the stairs from now on.

That was last night, I'll update more either tomorrow or tuesday (I have tuesdays off) and tell more about classes, people, and women. =)

Chambers Online

2005-09-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

Right! It's time for some exciting news. Now I know it's been a while since we did this, but I finally finished uploading all those Chambers songs we recorded. They're online and ready for downloading. The link you say? But of course, my dears;

http://www.lionelgruenberg.com/chambers/

Yes, it's my brothers URL, because I don't have one.

Enjoy the brilliance of Chamber Singers '04/'05. We were stunning.

=)

For those that are curious

2005-09-08T14:45:00.000-05:00

The mascot for Pratt Institute is a cannon. That's right, it's a cannon. We are the Cannoneers.

Don't fuck with us. We'll blow up your ship.

And your soul.

With our cannonballs.

Long time no post...

2005-09-05T23:02:00.000-05:00

Sooooo. It's been a while since my last post and there's just been a ridiculous amount that has happened. I mean I'm in college, I've learned the NYC subway system, I've travelled Brooklyn and Manhatten in just a few days, and I have a school email address. This last bit is very important, as now I'm on facebook.com, a website that may or may not be the entire college experience for some people. Thankfully, I can safely say that I am not a facebook addict, I simply use it as a tool of some sort. You know, to discover when the next spooning party is happening, or to find out when a second person in the entire Pratt community enters in 'a cappella' as one of their interests. Otherwise, it can get pretty boring pretty quickly. It's fun, but it's no reason not to have a life.

I have friends! I don't think they read this blog, but I'm not sure either, so I'll just mention them anyway for the sake of those that do a.k.a. my other friends. Right now my new closest buddies are my room-mate Rafael and two girls from my dorm, Emilie and Brit. Brit has a funky knee, and being the joker that I am, it dawned on me that her name should actually read Brit-knee. Haha! Get it? Oh, I thought it was oh so very clever. Emilie gave me one of those looks when I said it, and Brit didn't look at me at all. Then there's Heather (not Pringle, but she's here as well.) and her room-mate Shirley, and Ally and Katie and the other people I've met. I kinda haven't met any guys other than my suitemates and the one other guy in my English class with me. Sweet, right? It's kinda crazy. Classes have officially started now though, so I'm meeting all these new people all over again. Like Johanna and Chelsey, and a bunch of others from my floor.

I also went into Manhatten last Friday to see my wonderful Heather Pringle, and we went out to dinner with Jon and got smoothies before I had to catch a train. You can be sure that'll be happening a lot. And I can't even describe how incredible it is to have someone you trust that close by in a city like New York. We both have our space, but if we ever need each other for anything, it's a fifteen minute train ride to see her, and that's really one of the most valuable things. She's one of my very best friends, how can I express that enough?

Classes have started, and they're intense. Really intense. And hot too because none of my classes have air conditioning save those on friday. And some of them are downright slow so far. Obviously, they have time to improve, but it's hot outside! I can't keep changing my shirt during those one hour breaks!

Most of my classes are in six hour chunks.

Yup, that's right. Six hour chunks. Eat that Ivy league-ers. You try sitting on a stool in an unair conditioned room while the professor who wishes he was a Philosophy teacher instead of a 3-Dimensional teacher drones on and on about an imaginary cube with arrows going from corner to corner relaying that in fact, things do actually have meaning.

Shut the fuck up and let me draw. Yes I'll draw in 3-D. Go sit down now. Geez.

I actually have something I need to post about that class, something I wrote while he kept on talking and talking. We almost died. I'll post a lot about the classes later on, there's just too much for right now.

Pratt doesn't have any music programs whatsoever. This means I'm kinda out of luck as far as an a cappella group goes. I could start one, but there's a lot of work involved with that, and I'm not the greatest arranger. It's a problem I have to put some serious consideration into, because I love to sing, and I love a cappella, I just don't know how to solve this particular dilemma at the moment. Especially with so much going on in terms of classes and the such.

Lastly, if there's one thing facebook has done for me, it's made me think about all of you Philadelphians more than ever. I miss you all so much, and Jeff, we will catch up soon. As soon as this weekend is over (it almost is...). But I miss so many people...I wish I could share this experience with all of you, because I know you would all love it. And I know you're off having your own experiences, and I know I'll see you soon enough, but I am thinking about you. Just...just don't forget that. I love you all. I miss you.

Things Are Lookin' Up

2005-08-23T15:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I've found some people I can readily recognize - and this has made life a lot more welcoming and fun. I'll elaborate more on this later, as right now I'm exhausted.

First day of college...

2005-08-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

I dunno guys...

Today was my first day of college life. Both of my parents came to help me move in and also say goodbye. But despite my parents being divorced we have a very close family. I also have two younger siblings, so this makes me the first to go off like this.

I am definately something of an anomaly in that I have always been very close to my parents and siblings. Lots of therapy about the divorce led to us all becoming very trusting of one another and willing to include each other in our respective lives. Trying to say goodbye today was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's not just that I love them, I love them being in my life and I don't want that to go away. My brother and sister are going through what is probably the most interesting parts of their life up till now, and I want to be there to see them and watch what they do. I just miss them so much.

I miss my daddy and my mommy...how do I even begin to express that? I love them so much and they no matter how bad anything was, we always got over it and became even closer because of it. And right now I don't have anyone to say "goodnight" to, and definately no one to say "I love you" to. I don't care how pathetic or stupid or whatever anyone thinks I am, I have said both to at least someone I know every night of my life. Of late, it's always been someone in my family. My sister or brother, and always to my mother and father. I want them to know how much I love them. There's nothing wrong with that.

Geez...I miss my friends too...don't get me started on them.

I think the major thing was that even though I got to say goodbye to most of my closest friends, there were a few that I just couldn't find or who were away and not coming back before I left. I know it's not as though I'm never seeing them again, and in truth I'll probably see them soon, but it's still really hard. REALLY hard.

So I guess the rant is over...for now. As with a lot of feelings of being alone, they tend to go away when you're in other people's company, it's just that I'm not right now.

I miss you my loves. All of you. The family and the friends, the memories and the feelings. I want you all to come visit me as soon as you either want to, or are able to.

When's the first train home? Heh...just kidding, I think.

Raspberry Lemonade

2005-08-10T12:02:00.000-05:00

There are some things on this Earth that are so fantastic you just can't get enough of them. Some of these things are hummingbirds, the beach, wireless high speed internet...

And Rita's Raspberry Lemonade Water Ice. I'm in love.

College E-Mail...Or Lack Thereof

2005-08-10T10:09:00.000-05:00

So I still don't have my college address which means I still can't get on Facebook, which is kinda annoying. The main thing is you aren't allowed to see anything, repeat anything on Facebook unless you can log in. And I can't.

But I still have my blog, oh yes I do.

My Two New Dashboards

2005-08-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

The first one concerns Mac OS 10.4, which has a feature in it called Dashboard - an application that uses 'Widgets' as mini-applications so that users can simply press a button, and have an unlimited amount of tools at their finger tips. I'm posting right now on a Blogger widget. I don't have to log on, I can just do it right from my desktop. And I love it.

As for the second new dashboard in my life? Well, we got rid of the Camaro at my Dad's. That's right, no more. What's more intriguiging is the brand new black on black Mustang GT convertible sitting in our drive-way. Fuckin' right doggie.

And I've already driven it, for those who were wondering, and those who said my father would never let me drive his car. I think he's going to let me take it as much as I want since I leave for school so soon...

Hot

2005-08-04T12:42:00.000-05:00

It's so hot that it feels like I'm swimming every time I walk outside. But not in nice, cool, refreshing water. No, no. This, this is muggy, hot, gross, heavy air. And I do not like it.

Update

2005-08-03T20:44:00.000-05:00

My brother and I watched I, Robot today. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about; the movie last summer staring Will Smith based on the book by Isaac Asimov.

I liked it much more than I thought I would. Not to mention one scene where I was reminded of some of the best lines to come out of Jurassic Park. They now reside in my profile. For those of you who don't read it, I'm posting them here, because they're that good.

God creates dinosaur.
God destroys dinosaur.
God creates man.
Man destroys God.
Man creates dinosaur.
Dinosaur eats Man.

Woman inherits the Earth.

Bloody brilliant script right there.

Anyway...yeah...life's going slow with only seventeen more days till I'm off to Brooklyn. Who am I kidding? I'm not ready for this.

Way To Go

2005-07-31T22:06:00.000-05:00

First off, I would like to just state that it was my fault.

It was one of the most promising weekends I was going to have had in a while. My first weekend back in town. I was going to see my friends, celebrate, and maybe try to do some things I had been afraid to do up till now.

And it all went to hell, and it's all my own fault.

There's no excuse. I'm really starting to hate the fact that so much of where current humor is derived from is putting other people down in one way or another. So many of todays laughs are from making fun of someone or something else.

I was disrespectful, and even now I don't know how much it's cost me. I realized how wrong what I had said was the same night, and it was still too late.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. How could I forget that?

And on a slightly different note...

2005-07-28T14:55:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday!

I'll post more later. But I'm home now and can see people and so I fully intend to do just that.

Home

2005-07-28T14:53:00.000-05:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

;-)

Martha's Vineyard...Again

2005-07-23T19:56:00.000-05:00

Okay. They're a couple of things about Martha's Vineyard that are somewhat odd.

One is that no matter what town you're in on the island (They're four or five "major" towns, and by "major" I mean that it has a road going through it.) everyone, and I mean everyone, seems to know everyone else. To put it mildly, it's weird. I let it go the first few times I noticed that people driving and walking down the road kept on stopping to talk to everyone they met, but then I noticed that everyone could identify everyone else. My father pointed out that if I stayed on the island for even just one entire summer, I would probably know everyone too...

But undoubtably the best part right now is how I know absolutely no one, and therefore know no one else either.

Another thing that is somewhat odd is how terrible the weather predictions are. Since we've been here, it's been predicted that it would rain every day and night. It hasn't rained once.

So just some minor issues. Curious, though...

Oh, and gas is expensive. Really expensive. Sixtysix dollars to fill up a twentytwo gallon tank. Damn.

I miss you!!! Heinze, Beers, Pringle, Haz-mat...

Martha's Vineyard

2005-07-21T10:58:00.000-05:00

I am now posting to you from the island of Martha's Vineyard off the coast of Cape Cod. After following my father's emerald green Durango on to a ferry, we traveled for thirty minutes to our destination - Vineyard's Haven. The one thing I won't soon forget about the night we came across on the ferry is the weather. It was so foggy that night that I couldn't see more than one hundred feet in front of me. I was walking and driving through thick clouds.

But the next day the weather had cleared and we were treated to the island's full potential. Now, after a couple of days, we have visited only a few of the seventeen beaches that surround the coast. Yesterday we visited one of the calmest beaches on the island. Hardly any surf at all, but very peaceful and by the time we decided to leave the entire place was crowded with people who had brought their dogs for some fun in the sun. It was fabulous. Dogs fetching, digging, exploring in the sand dunes, playing with each other, but just having fun.

As for my own exploration, after a walk down the beach I came across a fresh water stream winding it's way to the ocean from what seemed like a small pond that disappeared behind a rocky bend. I knew that it had been seen my millions of people before me, that it had probably even been swam in by people, but at that instant when I stood there, it was serene. The water was mirrorlike - perfectly smooth. It was as though I was the first person to have ever seen this small piece of the world. It was something I haven't experienced anywhere but Maine, I think...just something I wasn't expecting.

Today, we are going to one of the more potent beaches. Apparently is has the best surf on the island, which means body surfing! YES. Nothing quite like moving with a wave.

My only complaint? It's a little hot and humid. And I miss you all. A lot.

Oh, and it's my dad's birthday. My own happens to fall exactly a week after his...

Maine

2005-07-12T14:23:00.000-05:00

After a 9 hour drive not including the 45 minutes that we spent at rest stops, we arrived in Maine. Boat performed admirably, never breaking a sweat and providing impressive performance and air conditioning for the entire duration of the drive. I drove all 500 miles or so myself, and honestly wasn't all that tired afterwards.

In other news...er...I get a roaming signal of one bar in my room up here. The only reason I am able to post is because the Panera in Augusta offers just as free WiFi as the one on Ridge Pike down in Philly.

I've been trying to draw while I'm here, but I've also managed to re-read The Da Vinci Code. It's such a great puzzle story, and it's made me so excited for the movie that's supposed to come out next year, I just hope that they don't mess it all up. I tried to read it this time and imagine how I might set things up as far as scenes and shots go. It's especially hard because the story involves so many flashbacks. Not impossible, and I thought of a number of ways to pull some off, but it has the possibility to make things difficult.

So far I've drawn a nice row boat, and an absolutely horrendous stack of logs. Next? An umbrella! Exciting right? Welcome to Maine.

They just built a brand new movie theater up here but I really want to wait and see all the new movies with friends. Grr. Tough decisions.

And I really do miss you all. It's lonely up in Maine with just the family. Thankfully, Elisa and Ian Kranz are here with there son Emanuel. I know some of you know him, though probably as Eman. He's awesome and I'm really glad there are finally some people up here I can laugh and at least attempt some crosswords with. But there will never be substitutes for best friends and so I really can't wait to see you all again.

All my love to you. I hope things are well down there. Call me if you can.

I gotta write Maggie...er...what's her address at camp again?

I Miss Them

2005-07-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

I miss my friends. I'm leaving for a week in Maine followed by another week on Martha's Vineyard in a couple of hours and I miss my friends so much. I really wanted to see someone before I left, but everyone turned out to be busy or away. Whether they were down at the shore or out for dinner, no one is free tonight.

It's not that much time, two weeks. It's hardly anything at all, in fact. And for some reason I'm getting completely bent out of shape because of it.

I don't know who reads this blog anymore, but if you stumble upon it while I'm gone, give me a call or splurge and text me. I'll have my phone, it's a pro at dealing with either. I love you guys...

So Jeff, Kelsey, Heather, Jon, Katie, or anyone else (Don't feel bad if I didn't mention you by name, I have limited amounts of brain power before a drive like this.) please, I really want to hear from you. I'm just...shy, or I feel awkward about calling. I do love to hear that phone ring, though. And I love to listen to anything. I could listen to what most people describe as nothing all day. I have before.

So to quote Blondie, "Call Me."

=)

Archivalry

2005-06-27T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's never been easy for me to see my friends in a situation where something is troubling them. Scratch that...I hate to see my friends troubled. Or in pain, physical or emotional. I Detest it. I can't stand it. Probably one of my shortcomings is that I have always been willing to put myself on the line just to make sure that should a friend need anything, I am there without hesitation.

Sometimes it doesn't matter about right and wrong. Sometimes you just want to make sure that someone feels better about things. Sometimes it has to be about making them smile. And it doesn't matter how many times they say they are okay. You have to keep offering because all it takes is for them to say they want to talk about things once to be worth it.

And unless there's a very specific reason, I don't like to draw lines.

______

So where the hell am I? Still lingering in that same state of mind as I was six months ago? Have I moved on? Have I moved away from some and still kept others tucked safely in the deeper bowels of my mind? Do I want to find someone? To love someone, no matter how long it is for?

Well...yes.

It's summer, there are no problems with school or requirements, no lines to memorize and no juries to prepare for.

There are, however, girls. What else is there to do but sit back and see where things go? I do want something, but I am completely open about it. When you start the summer out single there's no other way to be.

CELL PHONE!

2005-06-26T12:45:00.000-05:00

YESSIR! I got me another one and it's all spiffy and fun. Same number as before (215-439-7039) and so I'm back (with swooshing sound effect). To be able to text people again is so amazingly cool. I haven't yet, but when you see my phone you will instantly know why it's going to become one of my mainstays in everyday life.

And why haven't I texted you, you ask? Because I don't know anyone's phone number. That's right, they were all run over and deleted along with my last cell, so if anyone gets the chance, I need your numbers! On the double! Pronto! I love you all =)

In other news, the siblings went with my Grandmother to California for a week to see and stay my aunt-celebrity yoga god and her husband. This translates into me being an only child for an entire week, something that hasn't happened since before my brother was born.

I got a phone!! :-D Yay.

Aha!

2005-06-23T12:25:00.000-05:00

I'm delivering an ultimatum to myself. You're getting a cell phone before the week is out or else...

In other news, I'm clearly sexually frustrated.

A General Observation

2005-06-17T01:09:00.000-05:00

I don't think I make any sense at all.

I'm such a dope.

A New Beginning

2005-06-16T01:10:00.000-05:00

The anonymous poster is right. Sexual frustration and flirting with disaster, among other things, are key elements of my life recently. I was also told not long ago that I need to "get some". I'll be perfectly honest, I wasn't quite sure how to respond to this. It's not really important when the last time I "got some" was, nor who it happened with. I wouldn't say I was sexually frustrated, rather that I miss that aspect of connecting with women. Hahaha...poetic, right? Just a nice way of saying I wouldn't object to some female attention? Perhaps...

Flirting with disaster is of course, a much more complicated issue. I remember posting about flirting as being one of the most wonderful things in the world...and this aspect of it completely slipped my mind. Because I don't immedietly recall the negatives of flirting. They come to mind only in certain scenarios.

But enough with it all. What I really want to say in this post is that sometimes a grudge must be overlooked. Sometimes, and it can be very rare that it actually happens, but sometimes there are people that are too wonderful and too important to be kept locked out for life. One lesson I've been taught through and through again is forgiveness, because if you cannot forgive, you will never be able move forward in life.

I believe that my friends have been holding a grudge in my defense for the past year or so, and I now ask for them to please lay it down. If it was out of love for me, please be assured that I know how much my friends all care about me. I love them too. But now I need them to forgive. I know...I know that sometimes I have been absolutely miserable and that you've had to deal with me through this entire escapade. But move on with me. Do not ask me to keep someone out of my life, because it just will not happen...it can't. I never want to lock anyone out nor hold a grudge against anyone because what good can come of it? I want her in my life. She is wonderful and good and everything that my friends and I once celebrated every time we saw her. And we all loved her. And I still love her.

So maybe this post is holds much more purpose than i originally intended for it. Maybe it's to show that I still care for someone. I know it's to prove that I need her in my life, no matter what the purpose it is that she serves - I need her. And if I could do one thing for her, it would be to make sure that she does not have to worry about what my friends think of her. Please, my friends, please hear me now.

I am on my knees, begging your forgiveness.

Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

2005-06-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

Sex is quite possibly one of the most fascinating genres, fields, things, whatever. Everyone wants to hear about it, gossip about it, there's no doubt there. But what about definition? There's so much diversity among us about what can actually be defined as sex. There's sexual attraction, sexual appetite, sexual appeal, sexual intercouse, oral sex...the list just goes on and on. A relatively involved kiss on television is considered blatent sex that must be shielded from children, and a one night stand in the real world offers nothing more than tomorrows drama. Trying to define sex is like trying to define the word 'thing'; You're not going to get far without a difference of opinion.

And flirting...isn't it just fantastic? The wink, the soft graze of the hand, the casual remark that you know means so much more, the eye contact, the lash flutter...each one makes your heart skip that next beat just an instant quicker, and it's one of the greatest feelings I've ever experienced.

For those ladies who are a bit more premiscous, the skirt or dress slip, the running of the tongue along the lips, the coy smile, the touch of the finger to the mouth, the hair flip...

For the guys, the caress of the hand, the confident gaze, keeping your eyes locked on every part of her at once...

The list goes on and on.

And then there's that girl...and you can't seem get her out of your head.

More importantly though, you don't want to.

Finally!

2005-06-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

Okay - sue me. I know I haven't updated in a very very long time, but it's just one of those things...sometimes I want to post three or four times a day, other times I'll go for weeks without a single word. Regardless, here is what may or may not be a long overdue entry in my online journal.

We're recording Chamber Singers (Hilltones/Laurelei/Chamber Singers) tomorrow, and I want it to work and work well so badly I can't put it into words. I want members of the group to remember us, to look back and be reminded of how wonderful we were, because we do sound good enough to cut an actual record. We deserve a studio and professional mixing, and we aren't going to get it because Roland is who he is.

Over the past weeks I've been in a somewhat solitary state, and in complete contrast to how I actually wanted to be spending my time. I've wanted to be with my friends, going out, having fun, trying to cram in as much time with them as possible before we graduate. I've been blaming my lack of contact with them on the fact that my cell phone was run over and so I have no numbers to contact them with, but this is such a lame excuse and it's really just sad. I miss my friends. And sure I miss the guys, but I really really miss the girls. And sure, that's just the guy in me speaking out in sexual frustration, but damn do I miss them. And what's the actual reason behind this wall of excuses? I'm shy, and I'm scared of rejection, even though what rejection is there to be afraid of? But my mind creates some variation of it and I'm left hiding.

I've got to raise my confidence level around women. That's really the bottom line. How much do I want to call some of the girls that I know and ask to pick them up and take them out? Just spending time with them is wonderful.

And I don't know if this is actually a topic anyone who's reading this wants to know about but I am thinking about one girl more than the others, and it's just that invisible wall I still manage to hide myself behind that's holding me back. In the words of someone, I need to suck it up. I manage to convince myself that there's more time, but damnit!!! I just gotta do it, ya know??

Graduation parties this weekend - and there will be plenty of Hilltones at every one. We're going to sing our asses off, plain and simple. I love this group.

And so I'll leave you with that. I'll update again soon...the lack of writing isn't good for me.

E3

2005-05-20T07:11:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know what the E3 is, this came from one of the publishers there. The following are excerpts from a blog that's being continuosly updated from the happenings there.

Amazing.

11:10 PM: We Love You Buka

The publisher Buka just never gets enough love. This company rules. Every year, they bring out games with the coolest names. These are actual titles:

Stalin Subway
Operation: Matriarchy
You Are Empty

Here's a true story from Allen 'Delsyn' Rausch, our Associate PC Editor. Last year he asked a woman at Buka what her company name means, and in a thick Russian accent she answered:

"Is like little troll that come to you at night? You know: Buka buka buka!"

11:01 PM: Words that You Never Thought You'd See Together

"Well, it's a voice-activated pinball samurai real-time strategy game."

Project Hours

2005-05-15T17:42:00.000-05:00

What better place to put them than here?

Okay. This seems like a good place to write down some hours...

5/5 - 9 AM - 2 PM
5/6 - 9 AM - 2 PM
5/7 - 6:30 AM -
5/8 - 5 AM - 11 PM
5/11 - Completely forgotten...
5/12 - 9 AM - 7 PM/11 PM - 12 AM
5/13 - 7 AM - 12 PM
5/14 - 10:30 AM - 4 PM

Update

2005-05-05T07:30:00.002-05:00

Eeek, you know you haven't posted in a while when Blogger asks you for your Login/Password information...

So yeah, senior projects, that'll start today for me. It's gonna be awesome, no doubt about it. I'll have video up the wazoo, don't you worry.

And i really do have a monster update to post, it's just not finished. I really do! I swear. I do! I'll update later today!

Update

2005-05-05T07:30:00.001-05:00

Update

2005-05-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

Quick Quotes

2005-04-26T00:26:00.000-05:00

Just a few quick quotes before I post another huge entry:

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news."

~and~

"Anything that happens, happens.
Anything that in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen, happens again.

It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though."

- Douglas Adams

An Ode To Tones

2005-04-22T10:42:00.000-05:00

After reading over the final version of this post, I realized it was ridiculously long. But I still think it's a good read. I hope you enjoy it. Commenting is good too, no matter how far you've got to scroll down for it. So here she is:

I mean, I regularly check my own blog to see if I've updated. I'm regularly disappointed to find I haven't. So I'll start from the top. Don't ask me what the top of.

Seniors, this is the last two week high school cycle of our lives. We just ended our last spring concert. Laurelei, you sounded magnificant. I'm not sure that any of the Hilltones know this, but after going back to the actual scores from Florida, Laurelei scored higher than Hilltones in terms of raw points. As much as I'd love to attribute that to Roland being so obnoxious on stage, the truth is that your performance skills vastly exceed our own. You are fun to watch - actually, you are more than fun to watch. You're engaging and beautiful and hot. Everyone who watches you perform wants to be up there with you, singing as one of you. They tell me. I agree.

I was strolling through my iTunes library not long ago and found myself in a cappella territory. I decided to call up "Fest" in my queue, and made an immediete realization. Heather owns Laurelei. She's had a solo every year of her Laurelei career at GFS Night. That's a huge achievement, one that no one else I know or even have heard of can claim. Your voice has matured so noticeably during the four years I've sung with you, and has never sounded better than it does now. You truly are a woman of the arts, and no matter which path you find yourself on I can't imagine that will ever change. Thank you for sharing Chamber Singers with me. I doubt you will ever cease to amaze me my love.

And Hilltones...I just love you guys. We have so much fun, don't we? Probably to much, to be honest, but that's what it's all about. No matter how many times Roland says he's in it for the money, I will always protest that I'm in it for the music. I'm in it for the harmony and the sound that is created when we're all right there.

And the progression that Hilltones has made from when Jeff and I first started singing in it is nothing short of amazing. Our sophmore year as Hilltones will never be forgotten. It was a legacy. It was a year of celebrities and idols. Tom, Eddie, Scott..., Montana, Miguel, Nick, Alex, and Adrien. It was a never ending spout of talent, and I was a miniscule detail compared to each one of them. But because of the independant nature of each, we were never as good as our hype. And before we could be, they were gone.

Hilltones last year was a mixed bag. No one really knew how things were going to turn out when we all showed up for that first rehearsal. No one was expecting a miracle either, and when we sounded as good as we did, I think it took some time to comprehend. Of course, we had Schuyler, the guy who openly confessed to only being a part of Hilltones so that he could steal all the solos, and he truly did. He did his family name proud in the end, continuing the legacy of his brother as one of the most celebrated voices in the group by Roland. It didn't matter what the rest of us thought. And Anthony was a remarkable president. He was very much a behind the scenes voice, strong and steady. He played both sides of the spectrum, jesting with Jimmy whenever Roland wasn't around, and also keeping the spirit and tradition of Hilltones alive when it was time to sing. He wanted us to be good, and I think we respected him for the most part.

This year has been remarkable. What I wouldn't give for more time to sing with this group...

This year, Hilltones is about a group of guys who are equal to one another. We don't have any real stand outs, and it has brought the group to a new level of unity. We respect each other for our talents and for our weaknesses, something I did not feel during either of my other years.

And my seniors...
- Mike, the newest senior recruit found his place right away. His range as a tenor or baritone made it that much easier to assign parts equally. He accepted each with talent and grace, and the improvement over the year could not have been matched by anyone.
- Steve, you literally beasted Hilltones. You have done everything you could possibly do to make each song better in your own way. Roland continues to call you the most mature and stand-up guy in Hilltones, and with good reason. You probably have a higher grade average than any of us, which speaks for itself.
- Greg, there are no words. If you wanted to, you could be one of the most amazing singers in the world. You could do it right now. We tease you about your range, but it's only because we are insanely jealous of your ability. Your voice just soars with such clarity that it's no wonder you're as admired as you are. You're just so fucking good, man. And I owe you many, many apologies if I haven't told you so before now.

To have had Jeff by my side in Hilltones, in Players, and in life is something that I cannot simply write out. We have been through so much, my friend. And no matter what Roland or anyone else says, I always thought of you as being just as much the president of Hilltones as I am. We've survived this together, and we both know the ropes. I will never forget your presence in Hilltones, because it seems as though we have both always been there. I wish we had performed some songs that you wanted to solo for, but I understand why you haven't. Thank you for continuing to deal with Roland over the years, because I couldn't have done any of it without you there. We are the true seniors of our Tones, and that is how it will always be.

Thus this ode to my fellow senior Hilltones comes to a close.

The rest of the guys know how I feel about them. I couldn't have asked for a better group. We're not done yet, but this still had to be said. I have more to write, and in fact, this post was intended to be just a review of the past week or so. Funny how these things turn out...anyway, I've still got that much more to write. Maybe an ode to Laurelei would be interesting...

Hmm...

2005-04-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

Now that was interesting...

Happy Birthday

2005-04-14T15:58:00.000-05:00

And I almost forgot. But I didn't. =)

Happy Birthday Madeline, Annie, and Anna!

And congratulations to Lina who's getting her braces off! She's gonna be gorgeous.

War

2005-04-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

I think the members of Blogger should have an all out melee war against the members of Xanga for the title of "Best Blogging System" and glory for all.

We'd kick ass.

Senior Speech

2005-04-05T00:04:00.000-05:00

Here she is:

Good morning.

Somehow, this essay is stemming directly from my English class, so bear with me. One of the beauties and benefits of living in the environment that we do is that we hold the ability to define ourselves. We dictate who we are and how we are perceived in society. It's a huge piece of our lives, who we are. It encompasses everything from how we act in certain scenarios to the memories of our lives. And if taken to the next level it becomes far more complicated, because let's be honest here, I know you don't act the same way in front of your teachers as opposed to in front of your family as opposed to your friends. As for people you find you're attracted to, well...lets just say we all have the potential to be incredibly stupid. We've all done things that we regret, or if we choose not to regret, things that we wish we could have done differently.

This is where I feel we are so lucky. We have so many opportunities to redefine ourselves in this world. Whether it's joining an activity, a sport, going to a dance, or even something as small as meeting somebody for the first time - whenever any of these things happens, you are given the chance to reinvent yourself. It's like being given a clean slate, a fresh start. Obviously, reinventing yourself every time one of these things occurs would be crazy, but just having that ability is what I feel is so important. There are even some people who make a living out of recreating themselves. You may have heard of some of them. You know, those actor people? Yeah, they get those Academy Awards for their portrayals of people that they most certainly are not. Imagine getting an award for being the best person in the world at being somebody that your not. Kinda weird to think about.

It's especially hard for actors when they try to define themselves. Being a member of Players for the past four years, and over that period of time assuming a unique character for five different roles, I can tell you that it doesn't make it any easier. I'm not sure of the reason why, but for me, it's a wonderful thing to be able to become someone I'm not for a few hours at a time. I've never had any difficulty imagining myself as someone or something else, even if it has no resemblance to me whatsoever. It allows me to easily flow in life, whether I am a (accent) student from the small town of Laramie, Wyoming to a (accent) pompous Italian art critic roaming a museum to a (accent) wonderfully mad hatter in Alice's Wonderland. I love it. Again, I don't know how that defines me, but on the other hand, I'm not really concerned about it.

Seniors, we are all about to be given one of the greatest chances as far as redefining ourselves is concerned. Once we leave here, our reputations, our memories, and most of our previous life means precisely zip, nadda, zilch. It's awesome, isn't it? So when we get to wherever we're going, we can say things like, "Hey, you know what they used to call me back in high school?" We get to be whoever we want to be. Choose wisely, my friends. A chance as great as the one before us comes few and far between.

Thank you.

Hey, I can say...

2005-04-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

"Wanna hang out? I'll pick you up."

I can say that now.

Please, please take advantage of it. Otherwise I'll just end up calling you. And do you really want that to happen?

Sue me.

2005-04-04T21:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, I openly admit it. I blatently didn't post another entry that night.

Sue me.

Don't really though.

Spring break is over. It went by fast and for the most part without much to write about. I got to see Jess which was great because I've only really been able to see her for five minutes after the plays recently. I saw 'Hitch', got ridiculously good ice cream, watched 'Dodgeball', GOT MY LISCENCE AND MY CAR, BOAT, made sounds and comments about a beach model while carving foam core into shrubberies, went to my choral concert of the year which just happened to be the infamous and amazing Off The Beat, finally got to rewatch and rediscover one of the greatest movie's ever made, realized two pieces of myself that I had never even before considered but found to be incredibly accurate, beasted the national anthem for the Phantoms with my awesome Chamber Singers, and while certain issues became clearer, others grew clouded.

Rita's Water Ice has reopened, rekindling my passion for their delicious pints.

I am almost finished Douglas Adams' 'The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' which has his five novels in one huge volume, placed in the best order he could figure out. The result is just pure literary and comedic genious. This is one you need to pick up.

I think I want to write a graduation speech and see where I can go with it. I'll post my senior speech here so everyone who wants to can read it, but I'm having trouble thinking of something that's general enough for an audience at graduation but also will identify with the class...

Oh well. Good enough for now.

Update

2005-03-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

Quick update - I've changed the comments system to allow anyone to comment, even unregistered users.

I'll actually write later today.

And Then He Read His Comments...

2005-03-25T11:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have amazing friends.

I always have.

I'm...very lucky. Incredibly lucky.

So thank you. All of you. For saying what you said, and being there. This one's for you.

Archivalry

2005-03-25T11:46:00.000-05:00

Just some oddities in the English language that should be pointed out. =)

Some of these are quite good and some are horrendous, but most of them are funny so it's a good read. Enjoy.

* Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
* If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* If you take an oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
* "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does babyoil come from?
* Why is Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia the word for being afraid of long words?

A Little More About Me? How About A Lot. Welcome To Who I Am.

2005-03-22T17:08:00.000-05:00

What use is a blog anyway? I can't write what I feel about matters that I think about every day. A blog is only good for what doesn't involve anyone else. As soon as I have something to say that isn't socially acceptable...

I understand the desire for a secret blog. I don't have one. I won't have one. But I cannot write my feelings here either.

Ask anyone that knows me or has known me and they will say I am a dramatic person. I do not hide my feelings about things that upset me easily. If I am upset or sad about something, you will know. And it's hard for me to find the right words when I'm upset. I can find them eventually, but by the time I do it's usually become frustrating for the person I'm trying to talk to. Many people find the use of AIM to be a dividing experience. They say that there is no real connection and that emotion is impossible to express over an IM window. I love words. I love to write. I can express feeling through words and it can be meaningful. I love to hear someone's voice as well, but picking up the phone and calling someone I want to talk to makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if they want to talk to me, and more than half the time I manage to convince myself they don't. Call me crazy, you won't be the first. It's funny to think about, because I want to hear my phone ring so much. Someone wants to talk to you? All of a sudden you're special.

And so I play stupid dramatic games that I know piss some people off. I will put up an away message that is sad or depressing because I want people to feel sorry for me or I want them to IM me asking me what's wrong. I'm an asshole, and I'm a chicken. I can't tell someone directly how I feel so I leave an away message up that I hope they look at? That's sad. Only one person in my life has called me on this, and now she's...

There was a time in my short life when people came to talk to me. People trusted me.

And the one person that wants to talk to me I can't talk to.

I am selfless. I don't do things for myself except the exceptionally stupid 'sad away message' thing. As much as it may seem as though I am doing something for myself, it's usually because I want to do something for another. I don't care how much I hurt myself if it makes someone I care about happy. Go on and shoot me through the heart because if it makes your life happier or better or easier, I shouldn't have anything to say against that.

I don't feel like I show when I am angry to many people. I don't deny that I show when I am annoyed with someone else, but I doubt most of the people I know have ever seen me actually angry about something.

Lastly, I do not let things out of my life easily. Equate it to the divorce and the incredible agony it caused, or just call me insane one last time. I will not forget you. I remember the big things, and I remember the little things. I still look at the people I used to hang out with. I don't know them anymore but I remember when we did. I will constantly be reminded of things. I will not let them out of my life. I can't. I'm afraid of losing those things that meant something to me, and god help you if I truly cared about you. My mind runs at a million miles a minute, and you are a part of every mile, every minute. I cannot let go. I never let go. I'm sorry.

My Kinda Quote =)

2005-03-21T21:31:00.000-05:00

My quote of the week will be somewhat different than others. For one, I doubt I'll actually put up one regularly. It'll just be whenever I stumble upon one worthy of the blog. The first to grace it's pages?

"Oh it's on like Donkey Kong, biotch."

2005-03-13T18:55:00.000-05:00

I sat at the Rec this afternoon with a great sense of purpose. Having the stage on the floor and in full round made it possible for me to see the entire cast and their faces the entire rehearsal, whether they were acting or not, and it was something I had never experienced before. It made everyone a part of the play in a way I'd never felt before.

Still haven't found that date, but it's funny to think about how it all worked out. As soon as the first girl was asked, the race was on. Because if you're idle after that first girl, pretty soon you'll be dateless without a chance. It took about two days for the asking to die down a bit...but that initial burst was there and it hit some people hard while others were overjoyed. Oh the politics of Prom.

I personally wanted to take Gabe to Prom. It sucks that he has a date.

Now let's talk tuxes. Part of me is really pushing for my original plans to go through and get a red tux with a black shirt and red tie. Someone pointed out to me that I'd be going stag if I tried to do wear that.

But I want a unique tuxedo this year. Something cool...and what about ties? Bowtie or not? So many choices...

I've definately reached some sort of pinnacle in blogging, as I have successfully had someone who was drunk comment on it. I need an award...hmm...I'll make one myself!

Wow.

I'm a tool.

Community Blog Proposal #2

2005-03-12T20:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the community blog I originally proposed was killed and destroyed on impact.

What about a Chambers blog? One where we can just rant and rave, suggest and dismiss, and overall just have a good time? I think almost every Hilltone and Laurelei has a Xanga or Blog...it might be fun...

Lemme know.

I've got a lot more to write...I'll post it soon.

Prom

2005-03-10T19:25:00.000-05:00

Everyone's caught up in this huge extravaganza called Prom. It's our senior Prom! We should be excited right? Damn right we should.

It's getting closer and closer...I should probably get on that whole date thing...

The Prom date. It has enough potential to be "drama of the year." Not just me, but with anyone. It's always been a big deal in the past, so I'm not expecting that to change.

It would just be so nice if the politics concerning Prom could be sidestepped by taking someone who I would have a great time with. I'm not saying it would hurt to take someone I was interested in, not in the slightest, but I really want the focus of Prom to be having a great time from the second we start getting dressed all the way through till the morning after.

Prom has the potential to be amazing. It's time it lived up to it.

Hehe

2005-02-28T21:13:00.000-05:00

As soon as I read Lina's comment on my last post, I thought, "If I did one thing every day that scared me, I'd be dead."

Hehe...I'm crazy.

Boundries

2005-02-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh boundries. Or lines. Imaginary or real, they are there, like a fence around my pool of actions or reactions for any situation that might come up. Some get through...others do not.

It's the actions involved in making the first move, being spontaneous, and being unconcerned with the consequences that get screened when it comes time to decide what to do.

Gotta change this...gotta just do it, you know? If it's holding me back, then it's got to go. Right?

Easier said than done, but definately worth doing.

I need to take some risks.

There Was Meaning...

2005-02-24T18:02:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry, but there was meaning to the post on "Little Red Corvette."

Basically, it's a subtle song, but incredibly sexy and fun. Was just in one of those moods I suppose. Especially those lines about her body being on the verge of obscene...so hot.

Definately want to whisper that stanza in a girls ear sometime.

This Can't Be Good

2005-02-23T20:34:00.000-05:00

It can't be a good thing that I'm in pain when I try to move my eyes, right?

Ouch.

Having fluctuating symptoms is about as much fun as...well, something that isn't fun at all. At all.

It hurts to swallow. And blink.

Little Red Corvette

2005-02-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

I guess I shoulda known by the way U parked your car sideways
That it wouldn't last
See, you're the kinda person that believes in makin' out once
Love 'em and leave 'em fast
I guess I must be dumb cuz U had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used
But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And U say - What have I got 2 lose?

And honey, I say Little Red Corvette
Baby, U're much 2 fast (Oh)
Little Red Corvette
U need a love that's gonna last

I guess I should've closed my eyes when U drove me 2 the place
Where your horses run free
Cuz I felt a little ill when I saw all the pictures
Of the jockeys that were there before me
Believe it or not, I started 2 worry
I wondered if I had enough class
But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And U say - Baby, have U got enough gas?
Oh yeah!

Little Red Corvette
Baby, U're much 2 fast (Yes U are)
Little Red Corvette
U need 2 find a love that's gonna last (Oh, oh)

A body like yours oughta be in jail
Cuz it's on the verge of bein' obscene
Move over, baby, gimme the keys
I'm gonna try 2 tame your little red love machine

Little Red Corvette
Baby, U're much 2 fast
Little Red Corvette
Need 2 find a love that's gonna last, hey hey

Little Red Corvette
Honey, U got 2 slow down (Got 2 slow down)
Little Red Corvette
Cuz if U don't, U're gonna run your little red corvette right in the ground
(Little Red Corvette)
Right down 2 the ground (Honey, U got 2 slow down)
U, U, U got 2 slow down
(Little Red Corvette)
U're movin' much 2 fast, 2 fast
Need 2 find a love that's gonna last!

Girl, U got an ass like I never seen, ow!
And the ride...
I say the ride is so smooth, U must be a limousine
Ow!
Baby, U're much 2 fast
Little Red Corvette
U need a love, U need a love that's, uh, that's gonna last
(Little Red Corvette)
Babe, U got 2 slow down (U got 2 slow down)
Little Red Corvette
Cuz if U don't, cuz if U don't
U're gonna run your body right into the ground (Right into the ground)
Right into the ground (Right into the ground)
Right into the ground (Right into the ground)

Little Red Corvette, oh

I'm in a Good Place

2005-02-10T00:03:00.000-05:00

Although it may not seem like it, I really am in a good place.

I have nothing to complain about, I'm simply who I am and I'm proud of that. Things are going well and I'm so lucky to have the friends that I do, my family, and my new semi-retarded dog Donkey. I'm not sure about that last bit...

So now it's time to make the most of it. Ready? Rock on.

;-)

A Circus on the Moon

2005-02-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

I have a ton of work to do but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it all...I'm listening to wonderful music instead of going over "Regina Coeli" which is just not that attractive of a piece.

"Circus on the Moon" has my attention right now, a song off Bruce Hornsby new album, and it's simply beautiful to listen to. The man is so talented.

Speaking of music, A Cappella Fest was wonderful. It was perfect, Hilltones, my tones, you guys were so amazingly on, and it showed. We hit it all, and then some. We owned the pieces we performed, and I can't wait for the recording to come back. As far as I'm concerned, we will beast Florida. Nothing can stop us now.

Laurelei opened up a new standard in their performance at A Cappella Fest. They were brilliant, stunningly beautiful, and right on the money as far as pitch, tempo, just everything. The confidence they had was something I'd never seen in that group at GFS since MMMBop, and it was easy to tell because of the sound they made. A standing ovation to you, Laurelei, I love you all.

And then the seeing of my dear Katie. She is not a bad person, not at all, and I'm so glad I got to see her and bring her back to Heather's. Thank you Heather, for having her, it meant so much to me. She was right at home there and for a while it seemed as though it might have been a normal weekend last year...but then she left, and we are not together anymore. She asked me to call her the next day, and I did, but it's been a few days since then and I feel as though no matter what happens I will only be able to talk to her every few weeks, and see her far less...

And so I've found someone to whom I've developed a certain fondness for, someone who I've known for a long time and simply watched from a distance, wanting to be a part of her life. Nothing has changed...perhaps nothing will. I'm shy, despite what people may think, and no matter how many times I realise I need to create my own luck and just allow myself to go for something, I hold myself back. I need to just let go. What have I got to lose anyway? Well...her...I suppose. I don't know what she wants in terms of anything right now, but if I could just hold her...to be able to hold someone? You know? It feels so good. So wonderful. Just that physical contact and knowing that they're right there, and that they want you to hold them...

It's a magic I long for...

Fest

2005-02-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

I'm a nervous wreck.

Besides the fact that this is my last A Cappella Fest, I want this show to be remembered as the night the Hilltones really came into their own. This group is so talented, and we all care about it so much. We love what we do on stage, and I want everyone to understand that. Tonight marks the first time Hilltones will try to be original and outgoing. We know the material, we know the rest. It's just time to do it. And do it we shall.

I'm worried about my mouth giving out after trying to do two Laurelei numbers and then two Hilltones on top of that, but it's just going to happen.

I just want to be able to say we did our very best. And we will.

Updating

2005-01-30T14:19:00.000-05:00

Beautiful day outside! Busy, busy month ahead. Players auditions/starting up again, Interview with Pratt, GFS Night, Valentine's Day (<- Not so pertinent to me), Winter Ball, Chambers Tour...DAMN. That's...that's pretty unbelievable.

Can you tell how excited I am? I know you can. I should be an actor.

Rock on.

Chortles and Snorts

2005-01-25T18:21:00.000-05:00

I miss you all. Nick, Tom, Alex, Rachel, Deb, Eddie, Kat...Players auditions are in a couple days, and I'm wishing you all were here. GFS Night is next week, and Eddie - your solo will always be the highpoint of our Hilltones stage time there, whilst Laurelei's MMMBop will forever be remembered. Anyway...this is the pirst fost in a while (;-)), and maybe it will serve to start a little more community blogging.

Archivalry

2005-01-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

So in case anyone's wondering where I am, it all has to do with the fact that my computer has completely shut itself off from the rest of the World, including me. She won't turn on, so I'm guessing she suffered a fuse shortage. I'm taking her out to Apple, and she'll hopefully be fixed up and returned right away. But there's my reasoning.

You know what though? I love getting phone calls. =)

O(2)WD - Obsessing Over Women Disorder

2005-01-03T01:21:00.000-05:00

I have this terrible...honestly terrible...brain. It's always thinking about girls. Not in some sleazy way. I'm just always trying to decipher you all...just trying to understand a little better our female counterparts in life. Sometimes I wish I could be who I wanted to be - I wish I could tell you how beautiful you all are and how wonderful you all make me feel. I wish I could say how much I want all of you in my life forever. And lastly...I wish I could tell just a few of you how crazy in love I am with you.

Someday, I will.

My Apologies

2005-01-03T00:10:00.000-05:00

I just want to apologize to everyone who comes here looking for a traditional blog where I jot down the various things going on in my life at a given time.

This is more of an expansion of my thoughts and what I think about them once they've been forwarded to a document I can look over.

Having said that, I'm working on two entries that should bring at least a smile to your faces.

2004-12-31T16:59:00.000-05:00

I've never been so flooded with memories, so desperate for someone.

Where are you? Why aren't you here with me?

Take a Hint

2004-12-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

People using the Blogger/Blogspot weblogging service should take a hint from those using Xanga and

update their blogs.

Mentor of Humor

2004-12-27T11:23:00.000-05:00

My uncle is probably the smartest, most hilarious person I know. He's brilliantly funny, incredibly quick with his wit, and just one of those people who lights up a gathering and drives conversation. I can only hope to be as amazing as he is when I'm older.

Last night, he brought up incredible quotations of Groucho Marx and Mark Twain. I thought I'd copy them down for future reference of my senior page and anyone else that stumbles upon this journal.

Groucho Marx:

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Mark Twain:

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

I love great writing.

The First True Snow

2004-12-27T02:31:00.000-05:00

Excluding the snow that we got the night of Heather's party, the first snow of winter came tonight.

It's magical, you know; the snow. It's silent and beautiful and elegent. It's as though an entirely new layer of life has been laid down on the world. It's so clean and clear, and it shines with a brightness that cannot be described. It softens hard edges.

Watching the flakes fall down and down and down. And then another and another. The endless crystals of white.

It is purest form of magic. And it's wonderful, and it's nature.

Tomorrow, I want to walk in the freshly fallen snow. It might be my favorite time to be in the woods.

Santa Baby

2004-12-25T02:21:00.000-05:00

Santa has finally been proven. (<- Link)

Meaning...what, exactly?

2004-12-24T00:42:00.000-05:00

I want this journal to mean something. I want to write in my life, at least to a certain extent. I love to write, to put things into words and find meaning for my thoughts. It's about expressing myself. I've always been encouraged to do this, and writing has been a channel specifically endorsing self expression.

That being said, I cannot adequetly describe my own feelings about where I am in life right now. I'm not sad...I'm not depressed. I just feel like there's something missing.

How cliché, you might say. I wouldn't blame you for a second, that's exactly what I felt as I wrote the words.

But honestly, wanting to hold someone, wanting to love someone, just wanting to have that physical and emotional connection with someone else is such an important part of life. Isn't it one of those defining characteristics that makes us human? Emotion...and expression of that emotion...

Here's where my problems begin. I've had a philosophy since I can remember that it was never an issue who I loved or wanted to be with. I maintain that I could love anyone...that I could grow to want anyone. The one setback? Someone has to like me.

Looking around at my friends, I can geniunely say that I never understood why those that were single and complained about it couldn't find someone. It astounded me. Half the time (Well...more than half the time...) I told them this. Also, I felt as though I was clearly revealing the fact that I liked them or that I would be a good person for them to have a relationship with. Needless to say, this never sparked a single relationship.

However, I'm optimistic; helplessly so, some might argue. I never feel as though I'm restrained to "liking" one person at a time. I still look at myself as being able to be with anyone. This doesn't mean I don't have a certain girl or two in mind that I really enjoy and like. It just means I'm open. I want to be thought of as an open person.

Jesus...now I'm getting into defining myself...this could get ugly.

Proliferic

2004-12-24T00:19:00.000-05:00

AIM profile has been updated to for the Holiday Season. Enjoy.